Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Poor Ron Jeremy




This is what your life would be like if you were a porn star.


That is the message I took away from this years Erotica LA Convention.

It's weird, because last year, I walked away with a really good feeling about the porn industry. I felt really empowered as a woman, after seeing all the women who ran businesses that were there, adult or otherwise. I felt that I was in a world where everyone was loved no matter how they looked, because there is a place for everyone in porno.

Yeah, I'm thinking I missed out on all the creepy last year cause I went with two guys. Go to porno convention with another girl and it's a whole 'nother story.

This year was much funnier and much creepier. Am I a weirdo for kind of appreciating the creepy? Cause I mean, I am still a spectator in all this right? I am not a bitter, hardened member of the industry (yet) and I do still want to enjoy the circus of sex toys and enhanced body parts. If porn conventions leave me all warm and fuzzy inside, this blog is gonna get mighty boring.

Thanks to Twitter, I was able to capture everything I was thinking and feeling the moment it happened. And now I will share my story with you.

We arrived in hopes of seeing the Erotic Fashion show, which we missed by a hair. BUT this did afford us good seats to the Hollywood Men sampler striptease. (Where the hunks were oiling up JUST FOR ME...according to the MC.)

Lets talk briefly about Hollywood Men.



They are self-described as "an eight-course buffet of women's fantasies," but last time I checked I wasn't fantasizing about dimwitted beefcakes lip-synching and stripping to haphazardly spliced together top 40 hits. The music tracks alone are enough to give you an epileptic fit, bouncing wildly from one hip-hop song to the next.

It's all macho posturing and bravado, which makes for a hilarious show, especially when Sal, Leon, and Ray did a special tribute performance to the brave soldiers serving in Iraq:





Thanks guys. You really have done your part in making America proud. Seriously.

And nothing made me prouder to be an American than The Count of Monte Cristo:



Ah, The Count, poor guy. I pity him because he is actually ROMANIAN, yet they made him go back and forth between being a cowboy and awkwardly lip synching to Spanish ballads. I am so sorry for what America has done to you, I really am.

I attempted to meet The Count, but my efforts were thwarted by a seven foot tall, 80 pound monster of a man who swooped behind me and whispered, "You look like you need to be spanked," and then DID IT. WHAT?!?! Oddly, I still felt safer at a porno convention than I do on the streets of Hollywood 90% of the time, go figure.

As we wandered through the aisles of vendor booths, we saw many amazing things. I learned that you can drop a glass dildo and it won't break, that I can get a stripper pole complete with platinum stage for less than $400, that the little asian man on Alvarado who sells knock-off watches also makes dirty time-pieces, and I entered a contest to win free Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgery. Oh God, I hope I don't win. But I just can't turn down free surgery.




I hung out with Evan Seinfeld again this year.

He's a lovely guy, so nice. And I find it endearing that he and his porn star wife have built an empire on the idea that they enjoy fucking each other.



I saw these on a table at a booth being run by an asian couple who sold these and "after sex towels." I took these photos on the sly because they had that look on their faces that any convenience store owner has when he has spent all day yelling at kids for touching things and adults for loitering with the magazines too long.



It was not uncommon to see a bare ass or two in the food line.





The irony was not lost on Brandie and I that the some of the only food served at Erotica LA were tacos and Squirt.

In line for the food, we met a magician called the Fantastic Fig. He did card tricks with purple sparkly nails and a Hello Kitty deck. His card tricks felt like rape.




I met Belladonna, and good lord, for the Filthiest Girl In Porno (read: double anal penetration while pregnant) she is the nicest girl in the world. She has something personal and pleasant to say to everyone who approached her, and she was very confident and charismatic. I loved this girl, but it was awkward choosing which nude photo she was to sign of herself. No, I did not choose the close up ass shot one, that would be rude.




Brandie and I also met Ron Jeremy. POOR RON JEREMY. If the saying that every time someone takes a photo of you they are stealing a piece of your soul is true, there is no better example on Earth than Ron Jeremy. Personally, I think it's all strategy. I mean, you KNOW he has the douchebaggiest fans on the planet, why not just greet everyone with complete, disarming silence so they aren't inclined to say something retarded to you. Good call, Ron Jeremy.



A spaced out tweeker girl guarded this fucking machine with her LIFE the entire time. She was so weird. And so is that machine.



This box was sitting at a booth, and I bought the box and everything in it so I can give the contents as Christmas gifts to my friends and family. You're Welcome!



All in all, this picture pretty much sums up Erotica LA. I can't wait till AVN Adult Expo in Vegas in January.