Saturday, November 28, 2009

Video Phone

*no this is not the original post i promised, but sometimes stuff falls into my lap that needs to be posted about ASAP*

Allow this video to provide the proper soundtrack and ambiance for today's post:



In case you were wondering/have no concept of popular culture, the video above is a parody of "Video Phone" by Beyonce featuring Lady Gaga.  I feel that it goes perfectly with what I wanted to talk about today.

Hey did you know there is a website called Guys With iPhones?

It's basically an assortment of photos men have taken of themselves in various states of undress using their iPhones.  Simple enough.  There is also Girls with iPhones, which isn't as funny and that shouldn't surprise anyone.  (Excuse my feminism, and don't worry this won't be a huge sausage fest...I'll post some ladies I promise.)

So when I first stumbled upon the site I imagined I would be assaulted with the full frontal of a bevy of (formerly) Ed Hardy clad douchebags who had leftovers from sending their penis to everyone on Facebook and Craigslist who might give a damn.  And sure, I did see some of that... but there was so much more to it than that:



There were Gentlemen





An adorable boy who looks a LOT like the guy who played Godric on True Blood (please let it be him!)


There were Bunnies!


 
 
Chuck E Cheese




Um..Jesus?

Jesus would have an iPhone. He also drives a Prius but doesn't recycle, fyi.



Some guy who had a padlock on his dick


 
ouch

And of course there were some who just couldn't get the angle on their n00dz right


 
 


And this...


it puts the lotion on its skin....

As far as the ladies go... All I have to say is they need to step it up.  You get four types of iPhone Girls:


  1. Ultra high maintenence, unrealistic sexuality

2. Awkward realistic-while-unappealing sexuality



3. Dressing room photos that are just of outfits you tried on (BORING)


 
4. Girls who just can't get the angles right.


I am disappointed, ladies.  Go watch this video...let Beyonce teach you about angles and appeal... and come back with some real winners:


Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

You knew this was going to happen:

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Updates and Auctions

Hello there!

First thing I would like to do is walk you through some of the recent site changes.

  1. Yes, the layout has changed.  The other one was fancier, but it loaded slowly and was hard to read so we have moved onto something simpler.  Yeah, we don't look as cool but you also won't need glasses after reading us either.  Win/Win.
  2. The Subscribe feature finally works!  Yay!  
  3. There is going to be more advertising. We will try to keep it as low-key as possible, as we have flirted with it in the past and it hasn't always been great.  That being said...
  4. If there's something you hate/love on the site, PLEASE contact us at the email address listed there on the right.  Or comment! We seriously listen to everything you tell us, hence the recent changes.
  5. From now on, there will only be one post per page.  We've heard that when more than one post with videos is on the page, is causes everything to slow down.  You can still access the previous posts through the previous posts button at the end of each page, or by using the blog archive to your right. For the latest post updates, follow us on Twitter or be our fan on Facebook
Finally, on behalf of myself, and everyone who contributes to This Lil Porno Mine, I would like to thank all 300,000 people (yeah!  We finally found the account infor for the sitemeter we had when we started) who have graced us with their patience and presence over the past few years.  It's almost Thanksgiving, so thank you!

Enough serious business,  let's talk about EBAY:



I know, you want to know how much that feather boa is going for.  I know that nothing else in this photo has piqued your interest.  Like any good model, she is nothing but a glorified clotheshanger for the amazing feather boa. 

Yes, for only $2.99 (plus shipping!) you can purchase this adults only boa...

I was going to get it myself, but then I scrolled down and noticed that the ad clearly stated that:


One Modeled is Not For Sale, as it went back on display on our Window Manaquin

FML I wanted THAT ONE.

Readers, I have learned that in anything remotely involving sex, amateur is ALWAYS better.  This rule totally applies to Ebay sales:


Only $10 for real cooking titties? No way!




EVERYTHING YOU SEE ON HER COMES WITH THIS AUCTION.
SHE IS READY TO INCREASE............your sales, or anything you wish!!
A GREAT CONVERSATION PIECE OR A GREAT FRIEND TO JUST HANG OUT WITH.

THE WIG IS NEW AND VERY NICE, THE MANNEQUIN IS NEW. 
THE SEXY THONG IS NEW. SHE IS JUST WAITING FOR YOUR EVER COMMAND.
SHE IS REALLY LOOKING FOR A NICE HOME, AND A LOVING OWNER.

I PROMISE SHE WILL BE GOOD, AND WON'T TALK BACK TO YOU......

Don't let her get away, MAKE HER YOUR VERY OWN.

o.O .... o rly?



This auction is for a one-of-a-kind set of hand-altered, anatomically correct Barbie & Ken dolls, that includes one Ken (Ken as Legolas from LOTR) and one Barbie doll with beautiful, long, multi-colored hair. 

The handsome blond Ken doll sports nipples and full genitals.  His beautiful babe has a hair-covered opening below and nipples.  The Ken doll is brand new and only recently de-boxed prior to his 'modification.'  The Barbie is used and was only gently played with prior to her conversion.  Both of these dolls are fully articulated, which makes posing them just tons of fun!  Dolls are sold nude with no clothing or shoes.
  I have to be honest, I am kicking myself for not making anatomically altered Barbie dolls and selling them for $45 a pop in this economy.


I am Selling a barely used Lolly Doll from RSSD.

I cannot seem to enjoy this doll as she is too small for my own personal enjoyment, and have also come across some financial issues recently.
I purchased this doll on ebay for $540 and received her in the mail around a week ago, she has been used only once though with protection (condom), and has be thoroughly cleaned with both sponge bath and alcohol.


-On each side of her shoulders' there is an opening with some of the silicone skin torn off. The doll arrived this way and I have been told that they are filler holes left during the creation process.

-There is a very small rip on her anus as well in the corners of her mouth, however this had been caused simply from inspection.

-On her left arm is a hole that has been filled with a paste-like substance, which I presume is silicone repair, although it does not seem to dry. The doll arrived with this defect from the company.

-I accidentally messed up the wig that she arrived with, which is why I did not include it in these pictures. With the wig she looks like she has a bad hair day. A really, really bad hair day.

-And Finally there a few different stain markings on her that won't wash off for some reason. The first is a reddish stain on the right side of the doll, which appeared after I tried fitting a tight red Christmas dress on her. The second is a couple of black markings around her thigh area. The doll arrived with these black markings and I haven't been able to clean them off.



I knew I would find a fucking used Love Doll on here.  I didn't know I would find labial dye:



There has been nothing until now to restore the color to a woman's genital area.  This complete kit contains enough product for 20 applications.  This is a "semi-permanent" Labia Colorant and Dye System that lasts 72+ hours depending on each individuals own body chemistry.
"A total turn on for Men!"  Ladies, if your playing, hes looking!   This is Lip Color for the "other lips"!
Check out all the blogs on the internet of woman asking what they can do about returning their "Pink" back to their inner lips.  NOW THERE IS A SOLUTION!
You will receive 1 kit which contains 20 applications, easy to follow instructions and everything you need to        GET YOUR PINK BACK!


I also didn't think I would find out that a woman's skin is like bread:




This spectacular love doll is made from the revolutionary material, Silica-Urethane (Urethane Foam Rubber). It feels surprisingly almost like real skin! It is better and lighter than silicone. The softness of the Urethane foam is almost same as the soft type bread. The surface looks like human skin, having bread-like foam inside. Millions of bubbles inside the entire body makes the doll soft so that the user feels just like he embraces a woman's actual body. Certain numbers of the bubbles appears on the surface (just like breads). The user will feel it "warm" because the material reflects the user's body temperature.


 


Creepiest Description EVER


And I never...never ever ever ever ever expected to find a Talking Sheep Sex Doll:





This Talking Sheep is a blow-up sheep with action activated sound - its over a foot tall!!  Press the noise box and you get the sound of lambs in love!!  Has 2 entry holes in back for the 'animal lover'.   She's so baaaahhhh-d

Well worth the $19.25


NEXT TIME ON THIS LIL PORNO MINE




Monday, November 23, 2009

Les Gas

The Ebay Post is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more time consuming than I would like, but I don't want to leave you hanging.

Here is something to read between actual posts.  It's called:

A Tale of Gassy Lesbians
chapter one
(bolded for the tl;dr crowd)



The cheerleader (Amy) and the teacher (Veronica) were alone in the classroom. Amy was easily the worst student in the classroom, both in grades and behavior. She was the captain of the cheerleading squad, and part of the most insufferable group of preps in her high school's history.

They couldn't be controlled, and they had absolutely no interest in higher learning. The only reason they were getting away with it is because their parents were all very well-connected. Thus the members of the cheerleading squad could get away with anything they wanted to.

Veronica had requested that they meet after school to discuss things. She was fairly young, chubby in build, awkward-looking feature wise, with somewhat oversized glasses and a bookworm's face. She hardly seemed intimidating, with her wide eyes, fresh face, and timid manner.

The only thing that didn't go with Veronica's general manner was the noticeable muscles on her arms and legs. The anxious, perpetually nervous teacher didn't seem the type to possess that kind of strength. But then again, few people knew of her past....when Veronica was younger, she wasn't nearly as nice.

"Young lady, your behavior is inexcusable. Repeatedly you have disrupted class, and impeded the learning process. How can I teach if you keep goofing off?"

"You can't, not that it is my problem. My daddy will never allow me to get into trouble. You're just an ugly person wasting her breath, and my time. Why don't you just piss off and accept that there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop me from doing whatever the hell I want, bitch."

Amy went on, "You think you can lecture me, you stupid fuck? The only reason you're a teacher is because you were too damned ugly to become an important person, like a pop singer. You lecturing me...is like a joke, a cosmic accident. I think people like you are a mistake, all the ugly people should just be hidden away from sight."

Veronica didn't look angry; she just smiled tightly, "I see."

Veronica thought back on the past, how she had been a much more vicious person in her youth. She'd been quite the schoolyard bully, until she fell in love with another woman. Over the course of that romance she had been taught many things, including a love for teaching.

Veronica considered herself a reformed woman; she had almost completely reinvented herself. Her new persona was modeled after the woman who had used to be her girlfriend. Veronica enjoyed teaching, but right now her older self was starting to reappear.

Veronica had been having trouble restraining her old habits, such as dabbling in certain spells. Just a little hobby of hers. Suddenly, an idea popped into her head.

Amy suddenly heard her teacher speaking some nonsense phrases. "What the hell are you doing now? Have you suddenly forgotten how to speak English? Not surprising, you look stupid enough to forget your own language."

Veronica spoke up firmly, "I have had enough of your insolence. You will learn some respect, you stupid spoiled slut. You think you are so much better than me; it's only fitting that you should wind up degrading yourself. And I have a pretty good idea how. I'm going to make you a slave to a bodily substance you would normally not be attracted to, make you need it so much that you will do whatever I say to smell it all the time."

At that moment, Veronica let loose an extremely loud fart that echoed throughout the room.

Amy was astonished by this blatant act. She was going to tell this bitch what for once and for all. She most certainly did not have to tolerate any more of this.

Instead, Amy signed wistfully, "That smells lovely."


Amy's jaw dropped, her eyes widened. "What did I just say?" she thought. A woman just farted in front of her; she shouldn't be turned on by this! But she was....her panties had suddenly become saturated with her juices.

Veronica smiled naughtily, "Why thank you, young lady. Do you really like it? Do you want more?"

To Amy's horror, she found herself wanting to say yes. She forced her mouth not to move.

Veronica let off another, and another, and another. The spell she had cast ensured that she wouldn't run out of gas any time soon. One end of the room was flooded by the potent, gaseous substance. The cheerleader quickly moved to the other end of the room.

Amy didn't understand why the other woman's farts were turning her on, or why their smell seemed so damned sweet. She tried to ignore it, but she could sense the presence of the gas slowly drifting towards her.

Veronica was smiling, "You like my farts? Can't get enough?"

"No!" said Amy hastily, but her denial couldn't conceal her arousal. She wanted to breathe it more. In spite of herself, she was visibly trying to fill her lungs with the teacher's gas. She wanted to masturbate wildly while being enveloped in Veronica's thick cloud of sensual vapor. It smelled so wonderful, she belonged in its midst.

"Please excuse me." said Amy. It had taken all of Amy's will to say the words.

Amy left for the restroom, mainly to get away from the teacher. Before she could close the door to the stall, the teacher suddenly appeared. Veronica's face and demeanor were like an innocent, awkward bookworm. But then again, she was very good at concealing her less benign side.

"You left your books behind miss. I'm sorry to disturb you, I'll close the door."

Amy, in spite of herself, was getting aroused again. For some reason, the cheerleader said:

"Don't."

Veronica looked surprised, "What?"

"Leave it open." Amy said breathlessly.

"As you wish, young lady." said Veronica.

"Now you're mine." thought the older woman lewdly in her mind.

Veronica's big, round; meaty ass was plainly visible for the cheerleader to see. The cheerleader couldn't help but be transfixed by it.

Amy had a brief vision of her own face, buried between the older woman's asscheeks as she farted loudly in her face. What was more, privately Amy wished for it.

She wanted that gorgeous woman's wind in her lungs. She wished she could breathe it all the time and never get enough of that lesbian's butt gas.

"I think it would be best if...." The cheerleader began.

At that moment, Veronica's ass suddenly released a loud and long fart. It was powerful, and it was dense. The gas saturated the room, and its sexy smell assailed Amy's senses like nothing else had before.

Instead of her body rejecting it, Amy's entire form seemed to openly desire that woman's fragrant fart. Her arousal skyrocketed, and she couldn't help but suddenly breathe in as much as possible.

Much to Amy's disappointment, her lungs only got a fraction of the gas into her lungs.


"Do you want another?" said Veronica, in an extremely nasty voice. She was well aware of her power over the helpless younger woman.

Veronica loved every minute of her control. Little by little, the teacher could see the submissive slut manifest herself in the cheerleader. So more power, so little effort.

All she had to do was provide what the little slut wanted, and that oversexed cheerleader would do whatever she was told. The longer the cheerleader was trapped in her gas cloud, and the more of it she was exposed to the stronger her control over the cheerleader would become.

Amy started to open her mouth. She would tell that woman right now that there was no way in hell she would agree to any more of this.

Instead the words came out as: "Yes"

She couldn't believe her own ears. What the fuck was she saying? Before she could correct herself...Veronica let another one rip. The smell returned....so wonderful. Against her will Amy moaned in delight as the older's woman perfume flooded the room one more.

"Such a nasty slut." Veronica said in false disapproval.

To Amy's astonishment, she spoke up in alarm: "Are you going to stop?" She couldn't believe her own panic-stricken voice. It was if she wanted to keep inhaling the scent. What was wrong with her? Why was she saying this?

"Do you want to leave? There is the door." Veronica smiled naughtily.

Amy scoffed. She would show this bitch who was in charge. She haughtily began walking towards the door. She opened the door, and suddenly her body rebelled.

She felt an enormous sense of loss, she felt like something was missing. Her body and a good portion of her mind....wanted to keep inhaling the other woman's farts.

"I am in charge here." Amy wanted to say. Instead she moaned, "Please fart again mistress. It smelled so good."

"You need my farts, you nasty girl. You can't live without my gas. Admit it." teased Veronica aggressively.

"YES! I need more!" Amy almost screamed.

"Then masturbate before me." said Veronica.

The cheerleader couldn't believe what she said next: "I am happy to serve you, mistress." She was so wet, she wanted to do this.

So, suddenly Amy shut the door and plunged her hands between her legs. For the next few minutes the lust-crazed girl wantonly frigged herself in front of Veronica.

The whole time the teacher had her butt in front of the horny teenager, tempting Amy with the promise of more gas. The cheerleader couldn't wait.

"I hope you fart in my face soon! The wait is almost unbearable!" Amy cried out.

"Patience, young lady." said Veronica.

The cheerleader was suddenly happy, in spite of herself. Soon Amy was on the verge of orgasming, and then suddenly the teacher adjusted the position of her ass.

Right when she came, Veronica's chain-farted explosively in her face. This set off a series of even more powerful orgasms in the slutty teen that exhausted Amy completely.

"Well this is a good start." said Veronica.

"What do you mean mistress?" asked Amy.

"This is only the beginning. I need to get many more slave-sluts, and I think we should start with the rest of your cheerleadering squad. They could use a little discipline." said Veronica.

"Yes." Amy smiled. Soon they too would become submissives, slaves-sluts of the Mistress Veronica. Just like her.



I'll post Chapter 2 soon, because I know you're dying to know what happens next.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Just Hangin' Out

In honor of the highly anticipated (i.e. no one gives a shit) Levi Johnston Playgirl Shoot I went through most (if not all) of the Playgirl spreads from 1970-1995.  Honestly, I wasn't aware Playgirl still existed, and that it hadn't made the switch to a gay men's magazine.  Not that I think that women aren't into looking at pictures of naked dudes, but I don't think most of them care.

I even took a survey:

I asked one straight female and one gay male if they enjoyed looking at print photos of nude men (excluding celebrities, just regular guys) or if they were pretty indifferent.

Results:

Straight Female: Pretty indifferent
Gay Male: Enjoyed it

Then I asked if one of the reasons they would look at print of nude males was because the photos had the potential to be funny.

Straight Female: Yes
Gay Male: It's an added bonus!

At the risk of this becoming a masculinity crushing epiphany, I think we can all agree:

Cock and Balls are funny.

Personally, I think Playgirl magazine felt the same way from 1970-1995:



Can you imagine getting your Playgirl in the mail and it featuring some guy and his peen running down a hill?

Ladies, I'll give you time to get a change of panties, because this is gonna be an onslaught of awkward penis.

Playgirl seems to be all about your dick in everyday life.  And Lord knows how many times I've wondered how a penis looks while you are putting on jeans in the snow:



Or when you are putting on socks:



Or when you are out hiking


Or looking at blueprints


Or playing with your cat










or dog



or ...dolphin



 that man is raping that dolphin.

or any other random assortment of daily activities:





 
 






Another fun thing about Playgirl are the Holiday shoots.  Dare I say they are the original Dick In A Box?




 
He got an Ipod Touch, in case you were wondering.

But the most disturbing thing of all, are the sibling shoots:



 

"Bro, Playgirl called.  They want us to be centerfolds.....I dunno, we'll probably just have them take pictures of us lounging around nude together, like we always do."

My favorite thing, and I have saved the best for last, is what I call:

THE PEEK-A-BOO EFFECT

Which is when penis peeks out randomly from clothing...observe:


 
 
 
 
 
I LOVE this one because it couldn't just hang out of his unzipped fly...NOOOOO they had to CUT AN ADDITIONAL HOLE in his pants.  Creative.

So Levi, I hope your shoot goes well.  I am not 100% sure who you are, and I heard you don't show your penis, and thanks to U.S. Code 2257 I can't post any photos after 1995, so I'm not sure if Playgirl is still this awkward.  Hopefully things have improved, but I assure you, your cock and balls are still more silly than sexy.


Until next time:


TAKE THE POLL!







TOMORROW ON THISLILPORNOMINE:


ebay has an adult section?!!?