Well Hello there. Is that a dildo strapped to your chin or are you just happy to see me?

This post was inspired by the porn convention I recently attended...well that and I've been listening to a lot of R. Kelly lately.

Sex Toys.

I could sing the praises of sex toys all day. They help people and that's something even I can't make fun of. And people LOVE their toys. If you ever find yourself on a sex video site, you should search the term "Fleshlight" and marvel at the community of Fleshlight fans out there.

But there are a couple things that I can say about sex toys that aren't so positive:

The Accommodator


(I know, this isn't a video, but no one has made Accommodator porno as far as I can tell and I promise there will be video coming up)

The purpose of this toy is to be able to penetrate during oral sex hands free. Ok, I get the usefulness of that.

But imagine this scenario between you and your partner...feel free to get a friend and act this out:

You: Honey! I'm home!
Partner: Oh I'm upstairs dear! I have a surprise for you!
You: I hope it's dinner, I'm STARVING.
Partner: It's better than dinner!
You: Ok.
You: Honey, why are you hiding in the bathroom?
Partner: Just lie down and get comfy, I'll be out in a second!
You: Ok, but darling, I'm very tired and hungry and not really up for-

You:....well Hello there. Is that a dildo strapped to your chin or are you just happy to see me?

I bet you thought a woman was gonna come out of the bathroom. Well, I've got what you're looking for, if that's what you're into:




You know she's gonna put that in your butt, don't you?


Aroused yet? No? Let's keep moving then.

Fake Vaginas




Fake Vaginas are just as mood killing in my opinion. I can't imagine being a guy and working myself up only to reach under my bed and pull out what may be the most disturbing part of the female anatomy when taken out of context. And they usually come with a weird pump thing that gets them wet. And I may be wrong, but I remember hearing about ones where you could put the birth canal in the microwave to warm it up.

I figure if your sex toy requires more than three steps to prepare it, you might as well just hire a hooker. At least then you get boobs too.



The whole time I watched this video, I wondered if his penis was just ramming into the floor.


Next up...

Inflatable Pussies



Inflatable Pussies are also known as Air Bags since thats basically all they are. I have also heard them referred to as "Pussy Trainers" but I don't really get that. Penises get hard so they can go into Vaginas, and frankly if anyone in this party needs to be trained for that sort of activity, it's little Miss Vagina.

Also, it just looks like a bag of popcorn with a dick in it.


Huge Dildos

And I think this is how little Miss Vagina trains herself:




Seriously, as the proud owner of a vagina, that shit looks painful. And really quick,as an unrelated side note: why are glass dildos so popular??? Seriously the LAST thing I want to do is stick something in there that may shatter into tiny little painful shards. And why do I keep spelling dildos with and E? DILDOES.

But nothing is more hilarious/horrifying than:

THE REAL DOLL



Mmm.. she looks so lifeless. What do you say after this we head over to Forest Lawn and find us a coupla cold ones, eh?

Now. There is a TON of fucked up, Real Doll related porno out there. There's even Real Hamster. But honestly, the only really truly disturbing thing to me, is how much it looks like you're fucking a dead person:



:(

Educational

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I threw a swingers party and nobody came

I know no video I post is going to be as strange or fucked up as the one in my last entry. At least for awhile.

But I'm still plugging away here. I was on xtube, going through the updates on my subscriptions when I came across this video:



I didn't expect it to be anything fancy, but I watched it because the guy who posted it has a tendency to post seemingly harmless videos that end up being AMAZING. Not necessarily post-worthy, but good for a laugh nonetheless. His tastes run pretty tame..mostly amateur and mature, but lately he's been into swingers and group videos. I personally LOVE swinger and group videos for this blog, (although I haven't posted any yet really), because nothing is more awkward looking than a group of people trying to make naked twister look sexy. Not even porn stars can do it. It ALWAYS looks ridiculous.

But this video is awkward in a different way.

As it starts, you just see one couple. Most of the swingers videos this guy posts starts that way, because these are homemade and they don't have a camera crew. The audio didn't seem too odd either, because you would imagine that there's lots of people there talking...cause it's a swingers party.

Listen closely..NO ONE ELSE IS HAVING SEX AT THIS PARTY!

Once you realize that, all sorts of things happen. Or at least, they did for me and my over-active imagination. Because at one point, the music shuts off and someone yells for someone to put the music back on, and the people having sex respond with "Keep it down! People are trying to fuck over here!"

This is what I think happened:

I think the people having sex are the hosts of this party. They probably live in the midwest, and being oversexed in the midwest means one thing and one thing only: Craigslist.

They posted an ad on craigslist that probably looked like this:

OLDER COUPLE WANTS DIRTY FUCK-TOY FRIENDS - mw4MWMWMWMWMWMW - 42
Reply to: pers-45646546878545@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-06-05, 1:54PM PDT



If you're: Frisky, fun and love to fuck and suck with a very cool, mature -but not old couple, then look no further.

We live in a cool house and would love to find people who love nsa, drama free fun with good people devoid of drama, b/s, diseases or games.

It's just good sex with good people.

She's 42, petite with a great body, very bi and loves pussy and toys. He's straight, 47, clean, sexy and love to watch her and partake of her with another woman. We've done this before but aren't too wild swingers.

We can host on Wed, Thurs or Friday nights if you are interested.

Send us a pic and we'll start the process.

They probably got a slew of responses. The people responding were skeptical at first, but after the picture exchange they realized that these people were harmless. They discussed the prospect of going to this swingers party with their partners, and they mutually agreed that they could at least go and check it out...that they didn't have to have sex.

The bad part is, every one else at this party decided the same thing.

So I'm including throwing a swingers party on my list of things I refuse to do sexually, because with my luck I'll end up the only one there...naked...on the internet.

What a bummer.

Tolerance, Love, Meat Puppets

Wow.

Just...wow.

Ok so, one of my coworkers has recently been clued into this blog. Half the fun (horribleness) of this is explaining to people WHY I do this.

NO ONE BELIEVES ME WHEN I SAY IT'S BECAUSE PORN IS FUNNY.

I let my coworker in the on the video selection process after the suggestion that I review some midget porn when all of my usual sources (bookmarks, subscriptions) were coming up dry. I have vowed not to use anything obviously funny. OF COURSE midget porn is horrible. I want stuff that is unexpectedly ridiculous. So no midgets, no trannies, and only the occasional stuffed animal I swear.

What I like to do when I'm lacking good (bad) porno, is to just put in random words in the search engines on my favorite porno sites. So, first up was the word "Donkey."

Big mistake.

Because for one, I hadn't turned off the content filter, which meant Gay porn was coming up in my search results. Now, I'm not saying Gay porno isn't funny sometimes, but with most things the Gays are overachievers...and there is just WAY TOO MUCH Gay porno for me to sort through. Especially in this scenario where the phrase "Donkey Dick" is in heavy rotation.

Oh, and there was this really weird, not so much funny as it was really disturbing video of a guy having sex with a donkey. Go find it yourselves, cause I'm not putting it here. Weirdos.

I put my content filter onto "Straight" and searched another random word: "Mouse"

Only one video comes up. A girl swallowing a live mouse. Moving on....

....


Why is a girl swallowing a mouse considered porn?

..... ok ok moving on for real this time.

Things are looking pretty bleak, so it's time to bust out the big guns.

Search: "Religious"

Cause religious porn is always hilarious, right?

Right.

Only one video comes up. I read carefully before I click, because I am not really feeling all the animal porno I've had to watch in the past half hour, and this is the description I am treated to:

Description: A touching story of religious freedom and soft tender love in a world of sick, twisted, perverted wierdos on crack. Quit reading this shit and watch the fuckin video! Gimmie some paparazi to kill!

What??

WHAT??

....




Well, that's good enough for me:



p.s. why the fuck are embed codes the most difficult things in the world for me to copy and paste?? is it just me?

Now, there are a few things going on here. Like, oh I dunno, THE MUSIC..THE KLOWN JESUS SPLICED INTO THE BUKKAKE... THE WEIRD CLOWN WITH PURPLE HAIR AT THE END...

yeah, just a few things going on here.

I...I don't know. I don't know how to explain this, guys. Bukkake Asian porno with a picture of Jesus photoshopped into a clown in the middle with some Joe Cocker music over it. No weirdos on crack though. At least none that I could see.

I feel like in some strange twist in the universe that poor mouse that got swallowed for pornotube ended up in heaven with Bukkake Clown Jesus. I sure hope he likes Asian girls.


See? And people think porno isn't funny.