L.A. Zombie.

So Bruce La Bruce is making a gay porn called L.A. Zombie.

THIS SHOULD MAKE ME SQUEE WITH HAPPINESS.

But it isn't.

First, let me show you the trailer:



This movie pisses me off in a couple of ways.

For one, WUT???  What the hell is this movie about?  I know I just saw a safe for work trailer but it's a trailer and is supposed to entice me to watch the finish product.

Here's what I gather:

Weird green man with white scalp (note: star Francois Sagat actually has a tattooed fade hairstyle on his head.  I don't know why this means that his "hair" should be white, maybe someone can explain this to me.  Actually, if the makeup person from this movie would like to email me at pornomine@gmail.com and explain WHY THE FUCK HE IS COLORED LIKE A BEAUTIFUL PEACOCK that would be awesome.  Have you ever even seen a dead body before? ) comes out of the ocean.  Presumably dead.  With weird werewolf teeth.  Then he ends up on the back of a truck. For what seems like an eternity.  But then he also hitches a ride with someone else, and I think he kills them. He then gets some coffee.. cause zombies LOVE coffee. He steals clothes, even though he is clothed.  Socks especially.  His undead feet were cold? Then he spends a lot of time in the flood control river bed.  And two ska kids fight and one gets shot and drops money.  Then he goes to Skid Row and sorts through a shopping cart. (Yes, I noticed he passed over that perfectly good Super Nintendo) Then he isn't a zombie sometimes because he is no longer a fucking rainbow of blues, but still sticks his hand in a wound and drags a body away.  Then, his teeth take over his face.

I DON'T FUCKING GET IT.

I tried going to the website for a plot synopsis, and all I got was the following statement from Mr. Bruce La Bruce:

"....zombie porn is the wave of the future....Zombie porn is practical because you can create your own orifice..."

Yeah, ok, that would be true and really original and clever if IT HADN'T ALREADY BEEN DONE.  And done better, might I add.

Cause Re-Penetrator was made like 2 YEARS AGO:

RE-PENETRATOR TRAILLER @ Yahoo! Video

And then there was also Porn Of The Dead:

See what they did there?  They didn't just randomly paint someone blue and call it a day.  THEY ACTUALLY MADE ZOMBIES.  Also, both of these movies are more than a year old.  Zombie porn, like zombies, won't ever really go away but the idea has peaked.  Do you want to know where Zombie porn is now, Mr. La Bruce?  Want to know where this "wave of the future" actually ended up?

This guy taking a shower:



I don't hate to say it, his makeup is waaaaay better than that L.A. Zombie peacock bullshit.




p.s. Later today I will dedicate an entire post to Britney Spears porn!  Yay!

It's so...whimsical.

This blog is a blog of firsts, my friends. I hope not just for me, but for my dear readers as well. Every time I embark on a new post it's like I'm fucking Frodo from Lord of The Rings and I have this bad porn burden that I need to unleash onto the world. This Lil Porno Mine: The Land of Unwanted Discovery, if you will.

But this time, I'm on the fence.

Let me explain:

Snow White and The Seven Dwarves seems like a hole in one (no pun intended) porn parody. So when I stumbled upon this foreign Snow White porno, I was prepared to be bored out of my mind with the obvious. Seven minutes later I found myself with only one word to describe what I was seeing...WHIMSICAL.

Yes. WHIMSICAL.

Even though I was watching the worst actress I had ever seen being taught how to masturbate with what looks like some sort of root by a Dwarf, I was enchanted. Even though I knew that I was going to eventually see a little person orgy, I was still smiling.

This porn kind of blew me away, in a good way. The sets were elaborate, they had actual editing (even though it's not amazing, it's more than I can say for most of the stuff I post here), there is appropriate music, and they actually stayed as true to their source material as a porno parody of a beloved children's tale could.

I am impressed. Take a look for yourselves... I know it's long, but I promise it's worth it. At least let the badly translated dialogue amuse you:

Count Cockula

Vampires are so hot right now.

So hot that it makes you want to stick your dick into a rubber tube with fangs, right?

I thought so.

Vampires are so hot right now you just want to fuck a vampire cape while wearing a vampire cape, right?



Vampires are so hot right now that you made a four part stop motion animation series of your goth doll biting your dick, right?



Vampires are so hot right now that you actually went out a made the world's first (and pretty decent looking) Vampire Twink TrueBlood parody porno, right?



Vampires are so hot right now that you made a really shitty vampire movie of your own where you didn't even bother to spell "seduced" right and just wore fangs while some girl licked your boobies and then tried to be funny by feasting on cum rather than blood, right?



Ugh. WRONG

AFK Porn: Batdude and Throbin

I am starting a new thing here at This Lil Porno Mine called: AFK Porn (Away From Keyboard Porn) and it's porn that I brought into my home and forced my friends and family to endure along with me.

What better porn for the first installment than BATDUDE AND THROBIN.

Whatever expectations you have looking at that cover, just forget them now.  It's much worse than you could ever imagine.

Think about it, the Batman and Robin franchise is full of innuendo and potential for a hilarious gay porn.  And if they had put more effort into it, Batdude and Throbin could've been amazing.  Honestly, by the end I just wanted to send the DVD back to the producers with "APPLY YOURSELF" written on it in red Sharpie.

Take, for instance, the theme song, characters, and plot line:



Understandably there were probably a lot of copyright issues they had to avoid, so I won't mock the costuming.  I am pretty sure that the voiceover you heard was all the plot outlining they did for this movie.

The plot is as follows... bear with me.

Batdude and Throbin are the heroes of a city that may be called Sin City.  There are villians, like the Peeper (who I think is supposed to be the Penguin.  I have no idea why he is a presumably Latin boy with a horrifying accent that you will be subjected to later), The Poker, and the French Tickler.

Commissioner Gomorrah has set forth what is only described as "free sex laws" and being villans, you would think that The Peeper, The French Tickler, and The Poker are sexual oppressors and Batdude and Throbin are out to liberate the sexually oppressed... but the only crimes in the movie are the French Tickler abducting and having sex with someone, and The Peeper watching through a window.

But I am getting ahead of myself.  You need to see the Batmobile:



Yeeeeeaaaaaahhh.... you see where the inspiration for all the cool vehicles in The Dark Knight come from? Clearly.

I have to admit though, a lot of the things you'd hope to see in a Batman parody porn are there, like the "Holy...!" text flying at the screen. Although, they use it a bit more creatively:



My favorite instance has to be in this beautifully acted scene:



Rough him up Batdude!! And yes, that is the Peeper. How he is supposed to be like the Penguin I have absolutely no clue.

Batdude's acting is pretty awesome. He says things like "Bat Buns" and is generally the most enthusiastic character in the entire movie. However, he never gets fully erect. Not once. But he does make up for it by doing things like this:



Improvisation at it's finest.

Throbin, on the other hand, is a little less into his character:



But before you think Throbin isn't there to protect you, watch as he assists this citizen in peril:



See? This plot is so confusing? Why are The French Tickler and The Poker and The Peeper villans if all they are doing is having sex with people?? Why does Batdude then have sex with them as punishment??? WHAT DOES COMMISSIONER GOMORRAH HAVE TO SAY????

You never really get to figure any of this out, but if you are watching a porno that has garbage bags with penises spray painted on them for set decoration, then you probably don't care.

There is no resolution to this movie. Not that a porno should have one. At one point The Poker goes to a drag queen named Sugar Kane to learn how to disguise himself, and it turns into 30 minutes of random dialog about clothing and the mall and an awkward display of chest hair in a teddy:



Overall, I was entertained. The sets were bad, the acting was bad, the quality was bad... but there were enough little things going on that I rarely fast forwarded. I laughed heartily through the film, and it was all worth it to watch this:




Ouch.