BATER DONG!

I rarely, if ever, look for hilarity in solo jerk off videos. They're pretty straightforward and are hardly ever more than a minute or two long.

Then the god or succubus or whatever of porn bestows onto me this most amazing video:



Turn your audio on and prepare yourself to hear the word "penis" more times than you ever have.

These are all the things he calls his penis, and how many times he says it:

Big Penis (4 times)
Big Fat Penis
Big 'ol Fat Bull Penis
Greasy Dong (3 times)
Giant Fat Fucking Dong (2 times)
Penis Worship (3 times)
Fat Fucking Bater Dong
Big Fucking Penis (2 times)
Big Fucking Cock
Dong
Fat Dong
Hot Fucking Penis
Big Fat Giant Penis
Dong Worship
Giant Fucking Penis
Penis (a classic)
Big Cock


And let's not forget the jingle he sings ELEVEN TIMES in a four minute video:

Penis!
I beat my big fucking penis.
Penis! (repeat 10x)


ETA: SO I HAVE WATCHED THIS VIDEO A FEW TIMES AND REALIZED A FEW THINGS:

1. HE IS SNIFFING SOMETHING OUT OF A JAR OMG WHAT IS HE SNIFFING? IF YOU KNOW, PLEASE TELL US IN THE COMMENTS

2. I HAVE DETERMINED THAT THE VIDEO ON LOOP IN THE BACKGROUND IS ACTUALLY A VIDEO OF HIM WATCHING A PORN WHILE PUMPING HIS OWN DICK.

I couldn't bring myself to say "penis"

BUT YEAH, HE HAS REACHED PORN META BY MAKING A VIDEO OF HIMSELF JERKING OFF TO A VIDEO OF HIMSELF JERKING OFF TO A PORN WHILE PUMPING HIS DICK.

Reader's Choice

I occasionally receive topic suggestions from my readers, which are ALWAYS welcome. (Although, you guys can all lay off on the she-male suggestions. I would like a day to go by without she-male porn in my inbox...but really, who wouldn't?)

And while all topic suggestions are welcome, I'm not always going to post about what you think would make a good read.

Unless it's Gay Cum Farts.



I love that I have hit a point in my life where someone saw this video and thought of me. "Ah, look at that guy farting cum out of his ass...The Pron would LOVE this!" You guys are awesome, really.

Now this same person, also suggested I take a look at "The Art of The Cream Pie."

...well I do love art:



I tried searching for 'Cream Pie Art' on XTube, but that came up with nothing. So we'll have to settle for a video that boasts itself as THE BEST CREAMPIE VIDEO EVER!!!! ...with all those exclamation points.



OH GOD IS THAT WHAT THAT IS???

I hate it when I'm watching porn and I think something is one thing and it ends up being TOTALLY different. I thought a creampie (I keep accidentally typing 'creampit') was when a guy ejaculates into the slit of a girls privates... cause they call girl parts a Pie sometimes and that would be the Cream... do you follow my logic?

I've also learned a lot about what this particular reader is into: Regurgitating Semen. Mmmmm I'll never eat Cool Whip again.

The next thing our Sloppy Semen Seconds enthusiast (yeah, start commenting and you too will receive a sassy nickname based on your porno preferences!) suggested was BBWs/Chubby Chasers. I feel confident in the path that they have led me on, even though this isn't very specific.

Let's see what's been favorited most in the BBW section.

Ok, no, let's not. Cause it's a ten minute blowjob video and the girl is wearing sunglasses.





LAME!

Since you're helping me out so much today readers, can any of you tell me what STUPID EDITING PROGRAM WITH THE BLUE BACKGROUND AND WHITE FONT EVERYONE ON XTUBE IS USING???? I have such a pet peeve with that thing, mostly because it helps people make videos like this one:



Seriously, could anything be sexier than this video coupled with the "Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle" commentary?

The last thing Sloppy Semen Seconds With A Side Of Boob Flop suggested was for me to peek into the world of celebrity sex tapes. I was excited for this cause I heard Amy Fisher...yeah THAT Amy Fisher...just released a sex tape. But is it on XTube? Noooooo. Is it on PornoTube? Noooooo. You know what I get? This:



OMG THE SCARY PHOTOSHOPPED JENNIFER ANISTON WAS AMAZING!!!

Oh, and this tape that is supposed to be SHAINA TWAIN, but really it's just some girl fucking TO Shaina Twain.




Note to self: NEVER have sex to Shaina Twain, as it seemingly renders all participants COMATOSE!

So that's it. I'd like to thank Sloppy Semen Seconds With A Side Of Boob Flop And A Bad Selection Of Celebrity Sex Tape for their contribution to this fine entry. If there's something you'd like to see me write about, or something you want to rape my eyes with...COMMENT! :)

BBQ, Piss, and Pepsi

I'm shaking my head in disgust, readers.

This weekend I was really worried about this blog. I was worried that I was eventually going to run out of things to post about. It's been a consistent fear since this blog was born.

What I keep forgetting though, is that Porno is always going to be one step ahead of me...even if it means cooking live women over an open fire for sexual pleasure:



(Screencap. Click Link for video.)

I'm sure this is fake. I am also sure that this is too. But the question you should be asking yourself isn't whether or not this is fake, but WHYWHYWHYWHY WAS THIS MADE. WHY WERE TWO OF THESE MADE??

While we're asking questions, you might want to start asking around to find out where you too can pick up the newest issue of:



Or maybe not, after watching this video:



Here's a question: At what point during that video did you die inside?

Was it when she was rubbing her boobs in that ill-fitting halter and they got all artsy and it changed colors?
Was it when the camera panned down for the big reveal of her ugly drawstring shorts?
Was it when she peed herself?
Was it when she began touching her vag with those TALONS?
Was it when she inserted those TALONS into her vag and you closed your eyes but all you could see behind your eyelids was:
Was it when her husband came in and peed on her at the end?
Was it when she showed her pimply ass?
Was it when you realized that THROUGH IT ALL....she kept those damn shorts on?

For me, it was all of the above.

Last question:



Why?