Well Hello there. Is that a dildo strapped to your chin or are you just happy to see me?

This post was inspired by the porn convention I recently attended...well that and I've been listening to a lot of R. Kelly lately.

Sex Toys.

I could sing the praises of sex toys all day. They help people and that's something even I can't make fun of. And people LOVE their toys. If you ever find yourself on a sex video site, you should search the term "Fleshlight" and marvel at the community of Fleshlight fans out there.

But there are a couple things that I can say about sex toys that aren't so positive:

The Accommodator


(I know, this isn't a video, but no one has made Accommodator porno as far as I can tell and I promise there will be video coming up)

The purpose of this toy is to be able to penetrate during oral sex hands free. Ok, I get the usefulness of that.

But imagine this scenario between you and your partner...feel free to get a friend and act this out:

You: Honey! I'm home!
Partner: Oh I'm upstairs dear! I have a surprise for you!
You: I hope it's dinner, I'm STARVING.
Partner: It's better than dinner!
You: Ok.
You: Honey, why are you hiding in the bathroom?
Partner: Just lie down and get comfy, I'll be out in a second!
You: Ok, but darling, I'm very tired and hungry and not really up for-

You:....well Hello there. Is that a dildo strapped to your chin or are you just happy to see me?

I bet you thought a woman was gonna come out of the bathroom. Well, I've got what you're looking for, if that's what you're into:




You know she's gonna put that in your butt, don't you?


Aroused yet? No? Let's keep moving then.

Fake Vaginas




Fake Vaginas are just as mood killing in my opinion. I can't imagine being a guy and working myself up only to reach under my bed and pull out what may be the most disturbing part of the female anatomy when taken out of context. And they usually come with a weird pump thing that gets them wet. And I may be wrong, but I remember hearing about ones where you could put the birth canal in the microwave to warm it up.

I figure if your sex toy requires more than three steps to prepare it, you might as well just hire a hooker. At least then you get boobs too.



The whole time I watched this video, I wondered if his penis was just ramming into the floor.


Next up...

Inflatable Pussies



Inflatable Pussies are also known as Air Bags since thats basically all they are. I have also heard them referred to as "Pussy Trainers" but I don't really get that. Penises get hard so they can go into Vaginas, and frankly if anyone in this party needs to be trained for that sort of activity, it's little Miss Vagina.

Also, it just looks like a bag of popcorn with a dick in it.


Huge Dildos

And I think this is how little Miss Vagina trains herself:




Seriously, as the proud owner of a vagina, that shit looks painful. And really quick,as an unrelated side note: why are glass dildos so popular??? Seriously the LAST thing I want to do is stick something in there that may shatter into tiny little painful shards. And why do I keep spelling dildos with and E? DILDOES.

But nothing is more hilarious/horrifying than:

THE REAL DOLL



Mmm.. she looks so lifeless. What do you say after this we head over to Forest Lawn and find us a coupla cold ones, eh?

Now. There is a TON of fucked up, Real Doll related porno out there. There's even Real Hamster. But honestly, the only really truly disturbing thing to me, is how much it looks like you're fucking a dead person:



:(