WELL HELLO THERE, IS THAT VAGINA I SMELL OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME??

When I started this blog, I really thought of myself as sort of an amateur sex expert. But as of today, I realize I have NO IDEA what's going on in the world of sex.

With that said...

WELL HELLO THERE, IS THAT VAGINA I SMELL OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME??

Oh, that's not VAGINA? It's VULVA:



Yep, you can now purchase "The precious vagina fragrance put into a small vial." (The website URL for vagina perfume is priceless btw: www.smellmeand.com)

But if you don't feel like buying it, you can always get it the old fashioned way. And luckily, there's a product made for the nights when you just HAVE to smell some vag but forgot to pay the electric bill:



Thank GOD, right? I mean, who else here hates fumbling around with genitals in the dark? One thing I think we can all agree on (and that we all probably learned from porn) is that nothing makes your no no spots look better than a bright light focused directly on them. Mmmm... it's like the butcher display case, and that TURNS ME ON.

Another thing you probably hate is when an anal sex encounter presents itself and you're not ready. But fear not, because there is even an invention for you:



It claims to hold "just the right amount of liquid." I may be wrong, but I feel like if you're already getting an enema, it just all feels wrong.

Another thing that feels wrong are SHARK TEETH ON ANY PENIS COMING ANYWHERE NEAR ME!



I'm sorry but the only stimulation those are giving me are the creeps.

Also:

If you're a dude, gay or straight, and you are so lazy that you need this to jerk yourself off, you should just cut it off:



My advice? Sit on your usual jerk off hand until it's numb, then touch your peen. I've heard that makes it feel like someone else is touching it. That, and it doesn't cost $40 to do that.

My friends and I have been recoiling in horror from the discovery of the Pussy Foot for the past few days:



But after looking at it for awhile, I have decided it's kind of ingenius. So I invented one for the ladies:



It's just a prototype but...well..C'MON LADIES..HOP ON!!!!!


...no? FINE. SEE IF I EVER INVENT ANOTHER SEX TOY AGAIN EVER!

But if the whole, vagina on the bottom of a severed foot thing weirds you out, may I suggest this weird clear foot with an opening at the bottom and purple beads inside?



It looks like you're fucking an ice sculpture.

People need to make more videos of them having sex with weird sex toys, cause seriously, the pickings are slim. Actually, the pickings are this:




I guess it's supposed to be a promo video for the Fleshlight, but all I see is a girl moaning while she touches it.


It's THAT GOOD.