Life is like a hurricane...

Hey there kids.

I'll be honest, I almost pulled the plug on the ol' porno bloggo.

The whole facebook incident  really got to me.  I was tired of seeing really horrible things when researching material for this blog.  The internet is a really disturbing place, in case you have been stuck in The Lone Wolf Tavern since 1999 and hadn't already noticed.

Also I got about 100,000 viruses and burnt out the harddrive on my laptop that I had for less than 6 months.

Anyhoo..

I managed to get a new computer, some really intense anti-everything software, and a renewed tolerance for the internet...

SO LET'S TALK ABOUT DUCK PENIS

just play that on loop while you read this.

There is this really amazing article on duck genitalia you guys should read.  However, I know full well you guys are spatial learners so I will keep it short and sweet, then show you a video or two. 

...In brief, Brennan wanted to understand why some ducks have such extravagant penises. Why are they cork-screw shaped? Why do they get so ridiculously long–some cases as long as the duck’s entire body? As Brennan dissected duck penises, she began to wonder what the female sexual anatomy looked like. If you have a car like this, she said, what kind of garage do you park it in?....

.... But while male duck penises twist clockwise, the female oviduct twists counterclockwise....

In mammals, the penis becomes erect as blood flows into the spongy tissue. Ducks pump lymph fluid instead. And as the fluid enters the penis, it does not simply become engorged. It flips rightside-out.

Eversion in air: from blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom from Carl Zimmer on Vimeo.

That is a duck penis becoming erect slowed down 10x.  Let me repeat..

THAT IS A DUCK PENIS BECOMING ERECT SLOWED DOWN 10X OMFG MY CERVIX HURTS

...Of course, drakes don’t mate with the air. Having made this video, Brennan still needed a way to see how a duck penis actually performs its appointed task. Unable to film duck penises in a real female oviduct, she built a fake oviduct out of silcone. She then managed to get a drake to mate with it. But the overwhelming force of the explosive penis broke the fake oviduct.
So Brennan turned to glass. Her new fake oviducts were strong enough to handle the drakes, and she started filming. Here’s what she saw....

Eversions in barriers / from blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom from Carl Zimmer on Vimeo.
 

In case you didn't see, in that last fake duck vag, the male ducks penis BURSTS THROUGH.

IT BURSTS THROUGH THE VAGINA

Science is fascinating and it made my lady parts ache.

Now, it's a stretch (or is it) if I let this post end by saying that this counts as porn because someone out there must jerk off to ducks.  That is probably (100%) true, but just to err on the side of caution, here is some duck porn:

He puts on a condom to avoid avian flu, obviously.