Porno Family Tree

The Pron: I've got 3 words for you
The Pron: Care
The Pron: Bear
The Pron: Porn
Friend: OH
Friend: MY
Friend: GOD
Friend: That is my 3 word response

The Pron: I've got 3 words for you
The Pron: Care
The Pron: Bear
The Pron: Porn
Other Friend: :(
Other Friend: :(
Other Friend: :(
Other Friend: That is my 3 emoticon response

Yes, that's how excited everyone was for the Care Bear Porn I found. Described as, "the single hottest sex tape ever, the most controversial video you'll ever see. Taken while on marathon coke binge watch Cheer Bear fuck this chick up the ass until she cums hard, then this little blonde teen slut cleans off his cock with her mouth. This was just too nasty for the 80's!", I imagined I was about to view Porno Bloggo greatness.

But no, all I got was a girl humping a doll:



hmph.

After being severely disappointed by the Care Bear Sex Tape, I considered going on a hunt for actual Care Bear porn. But sometimes, the weirdest pornos come to you. In the form of 'related videos.'

For example:



I don't know how this and Care Bears are related, meaning that internet porno sites are using technology far too advanced for me. But I do know that the description for this video made me laugh:

"She goes from dorm to dorm at night, helping horny men get off with blowjobs and jobs alike. And if your cute, she may just fuck you. But ugly or handsome she'll get you off all the same. Who is this noble woman? Why, she's simply called, the Unknown Whore... I think."

She's providing a much-needed service here people. She's an American Hero, this Unknown Whore.

Let's see who's related to the Unknown Whore:



"Olde Timey Tentacle Sex! Porn From a Bygone Era! Filmed On Cellulaphone! Pulled From Al Capones Vault! Music By Bing Crosby And Robert Whiteman! Directed By Gilbert and Sullivan!"

If the Unknown Whore is Care Bears' ugly older sister, then this is definitely Care Bears' senile Grandma.

...

and people say I have too much time on my hands. I'M NOT MAKING OLD TIMEY PORNO OKAY THANKS!

And if Old Timey Tentacle porno was Care Bears' senile Granmother, then THIS GUY is Care Bears' creepy Uncle:





AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

You guys know the YOU GONNA GET RAPED guy? Creepy Uncle is TOTALLY SCARIER:




omg.

And what could possibly be related to Creepy Uncle?

Midgets and Piss of course.


Of course....



Yes, now you too can live in the world that I live in, where NATURALLY you would expect midgets and piss to follow a creepy bearded guy with clothespins on his nipples. It's a great place to visit, but I wouldn't recommend living here.

Why?

Because you're gonna end up living down the street from Midgets and Piss' cousin...the guy who fucks spongy cushions?!? (Is everyone enjoying the neighborhood of weird porno I've created in my mind. I picture like Edward Scissorhand's neighborhood, fyi)



This is video 12 in a series of 14!!! FOURTEEN VIDEOS this man has made of him fucking... a pillow? A giant sponge? Also, because I'm sure you didn't make it to the end, he has it rigged so there is permanently a condom on his penis when he enters the ... pillow-thing.

AGAIN I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT I MAY HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT MAKING CONDOM-RIGGED PILLOW VAGINA THINGS!

But if you haven't lost your will to live...anywhere... yet, I present you with:


ET PORN



NIGHTMARES. FOREVER. MY SLEEP WITH FOREVER BE HAUNTED WITH THESE IMAGES.

I'm gonna go get used to seeing creepy-ass ET sucking dick everytime I close my eyes.

:(