Holiday!

Holiday.....!



Celebrate...!


Since Halloween is coming up and one of the other things I moonlight as is taking up a large chunk of my time, I have decided to post a not-so-oldie-but-goodie for you today.

Once upon a time some weird Turkish guy tried to cybersex me. This is what happened:


The Turk: hii
Pornomine: hi
The Turk: do you tell me your sex history
Pornomine: i dont know, do i?
Pornomine: what do you want to know
The Turk: i wan to know do you do sex with men
Pornomine: yes
The Turk: 'start
Pornomine: huh
The Turk: yes
The Turk: start
The Turk: i will listen
Pornomine: start what
The Turk: for your sex history
Pornomine: what
The Turk: how do you do sex with men
Pornomine: well i start with a non lethal poisoning
Pornomine: usually with a prostitute
Pornomine: then move onto sodomy
The Turk: and
Pornomine: spanish fly works the best, i dont care much for illegal drugs
Pornomine: but it gets harder and harder to hold up the dead weight while operating a strap on
The Turk: and
Pornomine: occasionally i will imprison someone in a storage room ive rented
Pornomine: i dont believe in safe words
Pornomine: so it gets awkward
Pornomine: i mean, i always go through the motions and come up with one with them, just cause i like to hear them say a funny word repeatedly
Pornomine: honestly nothing gets me off more than someone screaming "bananas, bananas! BANANAS!" while I take them violently from behind
Pornomine: i only use strap ons with glass dildos fashioned after a black mans penis
The Turk: okay
The Turk: lets do sex
The Turk: with me
The Turk: if you want
The Turk: from online
Pornomine: well its not as much fun if its consensual
The Turk: can you start
Pornomine: it would be better if you did
The Turk: okay i catch your nipple
The Turk: and touching
Pornomine: i hand you the scissors and ask you to cut it off
The Turk:and then i take them nacked
Pornomine: now cut off yours
The Turk: where
Pornomine: whenever
Pornomine: wherever
The Turk: i make naked of my dick
Pornomine: i glue a he-man action figure where your penis used to be
Pornomine: i make the safeword "greyskull"
The Turk: and
The Turk: you start suck my dick depply
Pornomine: i realize i hate the taste of plastic action figures
Pornomine: it makes me gag
Pornomine: i vomit on hemans arm
Pornomine: it breaks off and goes down my throat
Pornomine: im choking
Pornomine: someone do the heimlich
Pornomine: no seriously
Pornomine: why arent you helping
The Turk: and i start fucking your nipple
Pornomine: my face turns blue and you shove that he man figure into the hole where my nipple used to be
Pornomine: i cant breathe
Pornomine: all of a sudden i vomit up the arm
Pornomine: phew
Pornomine: much better
The Turk: and i am sucking your pusyy
The Turk: like baby
Pornomine: im wondering what baby does that
Pornomine: im starting to get lightheaded from blood loss
The Turk: and start fuck you on top
Pornomine: which is good cause i get to lie down, plus it elevates my boob which stops the bleeding some
The Turk: and i start fuck you behind like a dog
Pornomine: i make chicken noises
Pornomine: BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK
Pornomine: BEGOOOOOCK
The Turk: and i do faster like you are in pain like some kill you
The Turk: and you say
Pornomine: some loose change falls out of my vagina
Pornomine: ive been wondering where my bus fare was
The Turk: and you are top on my body
The Turk: and you jumping
The Turk: too fast almost break my cock
Pornomine: so much change is coming out its like a slot machine
The Turk: okay
The Turk:okay
The Turk: enough
The Turk:do real
The Turk: i will open my cock
Pornomine: like a book
The Turk: noooooo
The Turk: i mean i will make nacked
The Turk:my cock in real
The Turk: you say i do
The Turk:okay tell me
Pornomine: im offended
Pornomine: i cant help it if my vagina is like a slot machine when im excited
The Turk: hey you just dream cock
The Turk:and tell and i do it
Pornomine: i dream cock
Pornomine: i have cocks in my dream catcher
The Turk: i mean dream actio
Pornomine: i clean it twice a week
The Turk: i mean you tell action
The Turk: i do in real
Pornomine: i dream of action movies
Pornomine: like live free: die hard
Pornomine: and demolition man
The Turk: tell me
Pornomine: i get on top of you imagining that you are wesley snipes
The Turk: what should
The Turk: do
Pornomine: you begin thrusting
Pornomine: you are so huge it gives me the hiccups
The Turk: do you understand me
The Turk: i try to say
The Turk: you tell me
The Turk: and i will tyr on my dick
Pornomine: you try on your dick but its the wrong size
Pornomine: i suggest a bigger, more flattering size
Pornomine: i get a sales associate
Pornomine: they say they are out of that size
Pornomine: we should try another store
The Turk: okay
The Turk: if you tell me
The Turk: i will do it
The Turk: in real
The Turk: for my dick
The Turk: it is nacked now
Pornomine: i go and get the manager
The Turk: where
Pornomine: its so close to christmas, i dont want to have to come back
The Turk: why
Pornomine: because then they really wont have the right size
Pornomine: and we'll have to go to the store way across town
Pornomine: and i dont like that one, the parkiing there is terrible and theres no other good stores around
The Turk: and
Pornomine: but there is that nice movie theater
Pornomine: you know, the one that we saw nights in the rodanthe at
The Turk: yes
Pornomine: maybe we could go there
Pornomine: theres a cinnabon
The Turk: yes
Pornomine: i never want cinnabon but then i smell it and im like, damn i want cinnabon
The Turk: okay
The Turk: help about my dick
Pornomine: oh yes im sorry i got distracted
Pornomine: let me go find that manager
Pornomine: stupid dick stores
Pornomine: always understaffed
The Turk: can you do
The Turk: just
The Turk: tell me what i should do with my hand on my dick
Pornomine: we go back to the bedroom
Pornomine: i get a bucket
Pornomine: gather up my bus fare
Pornomine: and catch the next bus home
Pornomine: thanks!

Count Cockula

Vampires are so hot right now.

So hot that it makes you want to stick your dick into a rubber tube with fangs, right?

I thought so.

Vampires are so hot right now you just want to fuck a vampire cape while wearing a vampire cape, right?



Vampires are so hot right now that you made a four part stop motion animation series of your goth doll biting your dick, right?



Vampires are so hot right now that you actually went out a made the world's first (and pretty decent looking) Vampire Twink TrueBlood parody porno, right?



Vampires are so hot right now that you made a really shitty vampire movie of your own where you didn't even bother to spell "seduced" right and just wore fangs while some girl licked your boobies and then tried to be funny by feasting on cum rather than blood, right?



Ugh. WRONG

Festive!

I...


I just needed you guys to see that.

We're all juicy inside

What you are about to see here required me to create two new tags: Brain Bleach and Eye Bleach.  Why? Because you will definitely wish for someone to invent those products immediately after watching this.

Note: IF you can make it all the way to end, it's actually kind of hilarious.  My advice is to focus on how amazing the song is until the funny starts happening.  It worked for me, and I watched it like three times.

Have fun!

I Love The Fishes


Here is a preview if you are nervous about clicking:

AFK Porn: Batdude and Throbin

I am starting a new thing here at This Lil Porno Mine called: AFK Porn (Away From Keyboard Porn) and it's porn that I brought into my home and forced my friends and family to endure along with me.

What better porn for the first installment than BATDUDE AND THROBIN.

Whatever expectations you have looking at that cover, just forget them now.  It's much worse than you could ever imagine.

Think about it, the Batman and Robin franchise is full of innuendo and potential for a hilarious gay porn.  And if they had put more effort into it, Batdude and Throbin could've been amazing.  Honestly, by the end I just wanted to send the DVD back to the producers with "APPLY YOURSELF" written on it in red Sharpie.

Take, for instance, the theme song, characters, and plot line:



Understandably there were probably a lot of copyright issues they had to avoid, so I won't mock the costuming.  I am pretty sure that the voiceover you heard was all the plot outlining they did for this movie.

The plot is as follows... bear with me.

Batdude and Throbin are the heroes of a city that may be called Sin City.  There are villians, like the Peeper (who I think is supposed to be the Penguin.  I have no idea why he is a presumably Latin boy with a horrifying accent that you will be subjected to later), The Poker, and the French Tickler.

Commissioner Gomorrah has set forth what is only described as "free sex laws" and being villans, you would think that The Peeper, The French Tickler, and The Poker are sexual oppressors and Batdude and Throbin are out to liberate the sexually oppressed... but the only crimes in the movie are the French Tickler abducting and having sex with someone, and The Peeper watching through a window.

But I am getting ahead of myself.  You need to see the Batmobile:



Yeeeeeaaaaaahhh.... you see where the inspiration for all the cool vehicles in The Dark Knight come from? Clearly.

I have to admit though, a lot of the things you'd hope to see in a Batman parody porn are there, like the "Holy...!" text flying at the screen. Although, they use it a bit more creatively:



My favorite instance has to be in this beautifully acted scene:



Rough him up Batdude!! And yes, that is the Peeper. How he is supposed to be like the Penguin I have absolutely no clue.

Batdude's acting is pretty awesome. He says things like "Bat Buns" and is generally the most enthusiastic character in the entire movie. However, he never gets fully erect. Not once. But he does make up for it by doing things like this:



Improvisation at it's finest.

Throbin, on the other hand, is a little less into his character:



But before you think Throbin isn't there to protect you, watch as he assists this citizen in peril:



See? This plot is so confusing? Why are The French Tickler and The Poker and The Peeper villans if all they are doing is having sex with people?? Why does Batdude then have sex with them as punishment??? WHAT DOES COMMISSIONER GOMORRAH HAVE TO SAY????

You never really get to figure any of this out, but if you are watching a porno that has garbage bags with penises spray painted on them for set decoration, then you probably don't care.

There is no resolution to this movie. Not that a porno should have one. At one point The Poker goes to a drag queen named Sugar Kane to learn how to disguise himself, and it turns into 30 minutes of random dialog about clothing and the mall and an awkward display of chest hair in a teddy:



Overall, I was entertained. The sets were bad, the acting was bad, the quality was bad... but there were enough little things going on that I rarely fast forwarded. I laughed heartily through the film, and it was all worth it to watch this:




Ouch.

BATER DONG!

I rarely, if ever, look for hilarity in solo jerk off videos. They're pretty straightforward and are hardly ever more than a minute or two long.

Then the god or succubus or whatever of porn bestows onto me this most amazing video:



Turn your audio on and prepare yourself to hear the word "penis" more times than you ever have.

These are all the things he calls his penis, and how many times he says it:

Big Penis (4 times)
Big Fat Penis
Big 'ol Fat Bull Penis
Greasy Dong (3 times)
Giant Fat Fucking Dong (2 times)
Penis Worship (3 times)
Fat Fucking Bater Dong
Big Fucking Penis (2 times)
Big Fucking Cock
Dong
Fat Dong
Hot Fucking Penis
Big Fat Giant Penis
Dong Worship
Giant Fucking Penis
Penis (a classic)
Big Cock


And let's not forget the jingle he sings ELEVEN TIMES in a four minute video:

Penis!
I beat my big fucking penis.
Penis! (repeat 10x)


ETA: SO I HAVE WATCHED THIS VIDEO A FEW TIMES AND REALIZED A FEW THINGS:

1. HE IS SNIFFING SOMETHING OUT OF A JAR OMG WHAT IS HE SNIFFING? IF YOU KNOW, PLEASE TELL US IN THE COMMENTS

2. I HAVE DETERMINED THAT THE VIDEO ON LOOP IN THE BACKGROUND IS ACTUALLY A VIDEO OF HIM WATCHING A PORN WHILE PUMPING HIS OWN DICK.

I couldn't bring myself to say "penis"

BUT YEAH, HE HAS REACHED PORN META BY MAKING A VIDEO OF HIMSELF JERKING OFF TO A VIDEO OF HIMSELF JERKING OFF TO A PORN WHILE PUMPING HIS DICK.