Life is like a hurricane...

Hey there kids.

I'll be honest, I almost pulled the plug on the ol' porno bloggo.

The whole facebook incident  really got to me.  I was tired of seeing really horrible things when researching material for this blog.  The internet is a really disturbing place, in case you have been stuck in The Lone Wolf Tavern since 1999 and hadn't already noticed.

Also I got about 100,000 viruses and burnt out the harddrive on my laptop that I had for less than 6 months.

Anyhoo..

I managed to get a new computer, some really intense anti-everything software, and a renewed tolerance for the internet...

SO LET'S TALK ABOUT DUCK PENIS

just play that on loop while you read this.

There is this really amazing article on duck genitalia you guys should read.  However, I know full well you guys are spatial learners so I will keep it short and sweet, then show you a video or two. 

...In brief, Brennan wanted to understand why some ducks have such extravagant penises. Why are they cork-screw shaped? Why do they get so ridiculously long–some cases as long as the duck’s entire body? As Brennan dissected duck penises, she began to wonder what the female sexual anatomy looked like. If you have a car like this, she said, what kind of garage do you park it in?....

.... But while male duck penises twist clockwise, the female oviduct twists counterclockwise....

In mammals, the penis becomes erect as blood flows into the spongy tissue. Ducks pump lymph fluid instead. And as the fluid enters the penis, it does not simply become engorged. It flips rightside-out.

Eversion in air: from blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom from Carl Zimmer on Vimeo.

That is a duck penis becoming erect slowed down 10x.  Let me repeat..

THAT IS A DUCK PENIS BECOMING ERECT SLOWED DOWN 10X OMFG MY CERVIX HURTS

...Of course, drakes don’t mate with the air. Having made this video, Brennan still needed a way to see how a duck penis actually performs its appointed task. Unable to film duck penises in a real female oviduct, she built a fake oviduct out of silcone. She then managed to get a drake to mate with it. But the overwhelming force of the explosive penis broke the fake oviduct.
So Brennan turned to glass. Her new fake oviducts were strong enough to handle the drakes, and she started filming. Here’s what she saw....

Eversions in barriers / from blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom from Carl Zimmer on Vimeo.
 

In case you didn't see, in that last fake duck vag, the male ducks penis BURSTS THROUGH.

IT BURSTS THROUGH THE VAGINA

Science is fascinating and it made my lady parts ache.

Now, it's a stretch (or is it) if I let this post end by saying that this counts as porn because someone out there must jerk off to ducks.  That is probably (100%) true, but just to err on the side of caution, here is some duck porn:

He puts on a condom to avoid avian flu, obviously.

Video Phone

*no this is not the original post i promised, but sometimes stuff falls into my lap that needs to be posted about ASAP*

Allow this video to provide the proper soundtrack and ambiance for today's post:

In case you were wondering/have no concept of popular culture, the video above is a parody of "Video Phone" by Beyonce featuring Lady Gaga.  I feel that it goes perfectly with what I wanted to talk about today.

Hey did you know there is a website called Guys With iPhones?

It's basically an assortment of photos men have taken of themselves in various states of undress using their iPhones.  Simple enough.  There is also Girls with iPhones, which isn't as funny and that shouldn't surprise anyone.  (Excuse my feminism, and don't worry this won't be a huge sausage fest...I'll post some ladies I promise.)

So when I first stumbled upon the site I imagined I would be assaulted with the full frontal of a bevy of (formerly) Ed Hardy clad douchebags who had leftovers from sending their penis to everyone on Facebook and Craigslist who might give a damn.  And sure, I did see some of that... but there was so much more to it than that:

There were Gentlemen

An adorable boy who looks a LOT like the guy who played Godric on True Blood (please let it be him!)

There were Bunnies!

 

 

Chuck E Cheese

Um..Jesus?

Jesus would have an iPhone. He also drives a Prius but doesn't recycle, fyi.

Some guy who had a padlock on his dick

 

ouch

And of course there were some who just couldn't get the angle on their n00dz right

 

 

And this...

it puts the lotion on its skin....

As far as the ladies go... All I have to say is they need to step it up.  You get four types of iPhone Girls:

1. Ultra high maintenence, unrealistic sexuality

2. Awkward realistic-while-unappealing sexuality

3. Dressing room photos that are just of outfits you tried on (BORING)

 

4. Girls who just can't get the angles right.

I am disappointed, ladies.  Go watch this video...let Beyonce teach you about angles and appeal... and come back with some real winners:

Just Hangin' Out

In honor of the highly anticipated (i.e. no one gives a shit) Levi Johnston Playgirl Shoot I went through most (if not all) of the Playgirl spreads from 1970-1995.  Honestly, I wasn't aware Playgirl still existed, and that it hadn't made the switch to a gay men's magazine.  Not that I think that women aren't into looking at pictures of naked dudes, but I don't think most of them care.

I even took a survey:

I asked one straight female and one gay male if they enjoyed looking at print photos of nude men (excluding celebrities, just regular guys) or if they were pretty indifferent.

Results:

Straight Female: Pretty indifferent
Gay Male: Enjoyed it

Then I asked if one of the reasons they would look at print of nude males was because the photos had the potential to be funny.

Straight Female: Yes
Gay Male: It's an added bonus!

At the risk of this becoming a masculinity crushing epiphany, I think we can all agree:

Cock and Balls are funny.

Personally, I think Playgirl magazine felt the same way from 1970-1995:

Can you imagine getting your Playgirl in the mail and it featuring some guy and his peen running down a hill?

Ladies, I'll give you time to get a change of panties, because this is gonna be an onslaught of awkward penis.

Playgirl seems to be all about your dick in everyday life.  And Lord knows how many times I've wondered how a penis looks while you are putting on jeans in the snow:

Or when you are putting on socks:

Or when you are out hiking

Or looking at blueprints

Or playing with your cat

or dog

or ...dolphin

 that man is raping that dolphin.

or any other random assortment of daily activities:

 

 

Another fun thing about Playgirl are the Holiday shoots.  Dare I say they are the original Dick In A Box?

 

He got an Ipod Touch, in case you were wondering.

But the most disturbing thing of all, are the sibling shoots:

 

"Bro, Playgirl called.  They want us to be centerfolds.....I dunno, we'll probably just have them take pictures of us lounging around nude together, like we always do."

My favorite thing, and I have saved the best for last, is what I call:

THE PEEK-A-BOO EFFECT

Which is when penis peeks out randomly from clothing...observe:

 

 

 

 

 

I LOVE this one because it couldn't just hang out of his unzipped fly...NOOOOO they had to CUT AN ADDITIONAL HOLE in his pants.  Creative.

So Levi, I hope your shoot goes well.  I am not 100% sure who you are, and I heard you don't show your penis, and thanks to U.S. Code 2257 I can't post any photos after 1995, so I'm not sure if Playgirl is still this awkward.  Hopefully things have improved, but I assure you, your cock and balls are still more silly than sexy.

Until next time:

TAKE THE POLL!

TOMORROW ON THISLILPORNOMINE:

ebay has an adult section?!!?

Festive!

I...


I just needed you guys to see that.

Most Discussed

**IF YOU READ THIS LIL PORNO MINE ON A MAC AND YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE VIEWING THE VIDEOS (with the exception of that AleXxX video that got deleted last week and I've been too lazy to remove the post) YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK INTO WHAT SORT OF PLUGINS YOU NEED TO VIEW VIDEOS. I WAS ON A MAC THIS WEEKEND AND IT WORKED JUST FINE BECAUSE THE OWNER OF SAID MAC HAD THE RIGHT PLUGINS. YOU ARE A LOSER...SHAINA :)**

I was trolling xtube looking for the rumoured Its Chris Crocker videos, (which I couldn't find. And have since decided I do not want to see if they DO exist), when I saw that there is a most discussed section.

Hmm what are the people talking about on Xtube?

Well, apparently it's this:



I said before I don't ever really want to make fun of someone's genitalia, but...

WTF IS GOING ON THERE?

Everyone on Xtube seems to share my confusion:


what is that?!?!


Added by ezdzit20 on 5 months

what the hell


Added by hartbreakkid85 on 5 months

My sentiments exactly.

But then I got to thinking that it's probably a hermaphrodite. Which is something I don't come across to often. She-males, chicks with dicks, what have you are one thing... being born with both sets of privates is a whole 'nother thing, ya know what I'm sayin'? (omg sorry I just watched that Chris Crocker video again.)

I got all excited for the possiblity of hermaphrodite porn, so I looked to see if the person who posted it had other videos. The person who posted it, who's Xtube username is literally arandomusername had only one other video.



Now I'm even more confused.

Let's go over what we know so far:

Male characteristics:
1. Flat Chest
2. Penis?

Female characteristics:
1. Labia...really huge labia
2. Clitoris?

Yeah seriously, this is getting me nowhere so I turned my attention away from the video and to what little information that was available about arandomusername, (I feel like I'm trapped in an updated version of one of SNL's It's Pat! skits...it's username is even neutral as hell, geez!)

I started with the video's tags: boner, cock, ftm (female to male...A HINT!), jacking, jerkoff, transman (another clue), small, and tman.

Lest you think I am that well educated in the world of sex, let me tell you right now that I had no idea what ftm meant. So I clicked on the tag and sure enough, several other videos of basically the same thing popped up: unidentifiable genitalia being masturbated by its owners.

So I had not stumbled upon some hermaphrodite porn (alas, another day dear readers) but something completely new that had never crossed my mind. I was so used to seeing chicks with dicks, that I didn't know when an actual chick with a "dick" was right in front of my face!

(Also readers, remind me when I finally DO post about She-males to talk about Absolute T-Girls.)


Anyway, now that we know what's going on here, the video sort of loses it's mystique don't you think?

So let's see what else Xtubers are talking about:



This video is a little long for what it is, so you really only need to watch it for a minute or so to figure out whats going on...unless you want to get to like 3:45 where his penis looks like it's died.

I originally clicked on this video because it was called: Handsfree edging with aneros and I though that meant this guy was gonna stick a handsfree cellphone device up his ass. Yeah, it took some googling before I realized he wasn't.

The device he's using is sort of genius. You stick the prostate massager up your ass and the stimulation on your prostate cause you to clench down, thus causing the other part of the device to press down on your perineum...which delays your orgasm.

So you don't have to touch yourself. Hands Free. Get it? ...sorry.

One more thing, the first comment for this video is:

don't know if it means much, but your cum on your shirt looks like a scorpion.


Added by gruntlo on 4 months

It does!

Robin Hood was a Hottie

DISCLAIMER: I want to take a moment out now to say that I don't intend on making fun of Furries as a whole. As with any fetish, there are bits and pieces of it that are hilarious and that's exactly what I am going to focus on here with furries.

In fact, I would like to also provide this link to a transcipt of the old MTV show Sex2k that introduced me to Furries. It's amazingly interesting and educational:

http://pressedfur.coolfreepages.com/press/sex2k/

I won't lie, there's a whole lot of that transcript that's hilarious too. Like the whole conversation the guy has with his mom.

Marilyn>> OKAY, SO TELL ME, WHAT IS YOUR VISION FOR YOUR FUTURE? HOW DOES IT INCORPORATE YOUR FURRINESS? HOW WILL YOU DO THAT? WHAT WILL IT LOOK LIKE?

Yote>> IT'S THE SAME--

Marilyn>> OKAY, LET'S PRETEND-- LET'S PRETEND THAT THIS IS THE SAME DAY OF THE WEEK TEN YEARS FROM NOW. WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE?

Yote>> VIRTUALLY THE SAME THINGS PROBABLY. I DON'T KNOW.

Marilyn>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "VIRTUALLY THE SAME THINGS"? YOU'RE GOING TO BE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE VIDEO--

Yote>> WORK, WORK, WORK.

Marilyn>> WHAT IS YOUR WORK GOING TO BE, MICHAEL? WHAT DO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS DOING, MICHAEL? WHAT DO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS DOING?

Yote>> I DON'T KNOW.

Marilyn>> DO YOU SEE YOURSELF SERVING UP HAMBURGERS AT McDONALD'S?

Yote>> I HAVE TO GO OUT AND DO THINGS AND FIND OUT WHAT I LIKE. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. ALL I'VE DONE IS SCHOOL ALL MY LIFE, MOM. HOW CAN I TELL YOU WHAT I LIKE RIGHT NOW?

Marilyn>> [sighs]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Furries are fucking intriguing. And after all the research I have done, I can honestly say that them dressing in full animal costumes for sexual pleasure is totally the least interesting thing about them.

I can admire a fetish community that is just that, a community. It makes me wonder if the Scat community has created the same sort of world for themselves, albeit a much more private one. (I feel an all-scat entry coming on. But I'm afraid doing one might catapult me into early retirement from the porn blogging business.)

Really, the world of Furries is a complicated one. I run a real risk of boring you to death with all I have learned, (especially since they have such an extensive Fur-cabulary...I did not make that up...that they have their own WikiFur), so it might be best to just get to what I found to be the truly comical side of Furry Fandom.

FURRIES HAVE THEIR OWN EBAY.

It's called FurBuy. It's pretty sparse as far as content at first glance, and extremely difficult to navigate (particularly if you have no interest in creating an account. Although I ended up making one when I saw that someone was selling a Nintendo DS for $75. But then I was looking at the DVDs for sale and the only one on there was the Robin Hood animated Disney cartoon and I went into a panic because when I was younger I thought the fox from that cartoon was hot and I was afraid that maybe I was a Furrie. Then I remembered that I don't want to have sex with anyone in a mascot uniform. I think. Eeeeek!)

But FurBuy gets really interesting once you start browsing the artwork selection. For $15 and up, you too can own any one of these VERY DISTURBING PIECES:









THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HIPPO??



That doesn't look anything like a Hippo?!?



Nice braids...

Now, I am a little bummed because a few days ago there was a print of "Velociraptor laying eggs during intercourse" for sale, but I guess the auction ended.

Luckily, the dog penis bookmarks are still available:



1 day, 3 hours left guys!






p.s. The Pron feels justified in thinking the fox from Robin Hood was hot. His swagger was right and his game was tight!