In honor of the highly anticipated (i.e. no one gives a shit) Levi Johnston Playgirl Shoot I went through most (if not all) of the Playgirl spreads from 1970-1995. Honestly, I wasn't aware Playgirl still existed, and that it hadn't made the switch to a gay men's magazine. Not that I think that women aren't into looking at pictures of naked dudes, but I don't think most of them care.
I even took a survey:
I asked one straight female and one gay male if they enjoyed looking at print photos of nude men (excluding celebrities, just regular guys) or if they were pretty indifferent.
Results:
Straight Female: Pretty indifferent
Gay Male: Enjoyed it
Then I asked if one of the reasons they would look at print of nude males was because the photos had the potential to be funny.
Straight Female: Yes
Gay Male: It's an added bonus!
At the risk of this becoming a masculinity crushing epiphany, I think we can all agree:
Cock and Balls are funny.
Personally, I think Playgirl magazine felt the same way from 1970-1995:
Can you imagine getting your Playgirl in the mail and it featuring some guy and his peen running down a hill?
Ladies, I'll give you time to get a change of panties, because this is gonna be an onslaught of awkward penis.
Playgirl seems to be all about your dick in everyday life. And Lord knows how many times I've wondered how a penis looks while you are putting on jeans in the snow:
Or when you are putting on socks:
Or when you are out hiking
Or looking at blueprints
Or playing with your cat
or dog
or ...dolphin
that man is raping that dolphin.
or any other random assortment of daily activities:
Another fun thing about Playgirl are the Holiday shoots. Dare I say they are the original Dick In A Box?
He got an Ipod Touch, in case you were wondering.
But the most disturbing thing of all, are the sibling shoots:
"Bro, Playgirl called. They want us to be centerfolds.....I dunno, we'll probably just have them take pictures of us lounging around nude together, like we always do."
My favorite thing, and I have saved the best for last, is what I call:
THE PEEK-A-BOO EFFECT
Which is when penis peeks out randomly from clothing...observe:
I LOVE this one because it couldn't just hang out of his unzipped fly...NOOOOO they had to CUT AN ADDITIONAL HOLE in his pants. Creative.
So Levi, I hope your shoot goes well. I am not 100% sure who you are, and I heard you don't show your penis, and thanks to U.S. Code 2257 I can't post any photos after 1995, so I'm not sure if Playgirl is still this awkward. Hopefully things have improved, but I assure you, your cock and balls are still more silly than sexy.
I am starting a new thing here at This Lil Porno Mine called: AFK Porn (Away From Keyboard Porn) and it's porn that I brought into my home and forced my friends and family to endure along with me.
What better porn for the first installment than BATDUDE AND THROBIN.
Whatever expectations you have looking at that cover, just forget them now. It's much worse than you could ever imagine.
Think about it, the Batman and Robin franchise is full of innuendo and potential for a hilarious gay porn. And if they had put more effort into it, Batdude and Throbin could've been amazing. Honestly, by the end I just wanted to send the DVD back to the producers with "APPLY YOURSELF" written on it in red Sharpie.
Take, for instance, the theme song, characters, and plot line:
Understandably there were probably a lot of copyright issues they had to avoid, so I won't mock the costuming. I am pretty sure that the voiceover you heard was all the plot outlining they did for this movie.
The plot is as follows... bear with me.
Batdude and Throbin are the heroes of a city that may be called Sin City. There are villians, like the Peeper (who I think is supposed to be the Penguin. I have no idea why he is a presumably Latin boy with a horrifying accent that you will be subjected to later), The Poker, and the French Tickler.
Commissioner Gomorrah has set forth what is only described as "free sex laws" and being villans, you would think that The Peeper, The French Tickler, and The Poker are sexual oppressors and Batdude and Throbin are out to liberate the sexually oppressed... but the only crimes in the movie are the French Tickler abducting and having sex with someone, and The Peeper watching through a window.
But I am getting ahead of myself. You need to see the Batmobile:
Yeeeeeaaaaaahhh.... you see where the inspiration for all the cool vehicles in The Dark Knight come from? Clearly.
I have to admit though, a lot of the things you'd hope to see in a Batman parody porn are there, like the "Holy...!" text flying at the screen. Although, they use it a bit more creatively:
My favorite instance has to be in this beautifully acted scene:
Rough him up Batdude!! And yes, that is the Peeper. How he is supposed to be like the Penguin I have absolutely no clue.
Batdude's acting is pretty awesome. He says things like "Bat Buns" and is generally the most enthusiastic character in the entire movie. However, he never gets fully erect. Not once. But he does make up for it by doing things like this:
Improvisation at it's finest.
Throbin, on the other hand, is a little less into his character:
But before you think Throbin isn't there to protect you, watch as he assists this citizen in peril:
See? This plot is so confusing? Why are The French Tickler and The Poker and The Peeper villans if all they are doing is having sex with people?? Why does Batdude then have sex with them as punishment??? WHAT DOES COMMISSIONER GOMORRAH HAVE TO SAY????
You never really get to figure any of this out, but if you are watching a porno that has garbage bags with penises spray painted on them for set decoration, then you probably don't care.
There is no resolution to this movie. Not that a porno should have one. At one point The Poker goes to a drag queen named Sugar Kane to learn how to disguise himself, and it turns into 30 minutes of random dialog about clothing and the mall and an awkward display of chest hair in a teddy:
Overall, I was entertained. The sets were bad, the acting was bad, the quality was bad... but there were enough little things going on that I rarely fast forwarded. I laughed heartily through the film, and it was all worth it to watch this:
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