Clever Porn Movies Part 1

BONE ALONE

"Gabrielle's got a secret. It's hot. It's pink. It's very, very wet and it's always ready for company, and guess what... Gabrielle's all alone for the week with nothing to do but play hide the salami."

THIS COULD BE YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT, MR. JEREMY.

BONFIRE OF THE PANTIES

"That’s how it works when the fire’s in your loins. Welcome to Bonfire of the Panties. The New Wave Camera of William Black fresh from the triumphs of Anal Nation and Total Reball points his twisted camera at the Me Decade of the 80’s and what can happen when greed goes awry. He assembled some of the biggest names in adult. Gorgeous Raven, hot blonde Nikki Wilde, the sultry Ashley Nicole and foxy Missy Warner all shot in the new-wave style that pushes his movies to the tops of the charts Turn on Bonfire and watch the sirens ignite."



SERIOUSLY, DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD A BONFIRE OF PANTIES WOULD SMELL? I'M JUST SAYIN'

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE LAYER

"Poor little Buffy's lost in Transylvania. The evil lawyer/vampire, Count Hymie "The Impaler" Draculwitz, has summoned her from Budapest, and if he has his way, he'll be "impaling" the little Buffster for a long time to come - like, forever and junk. Her only chance is to use his own stake against him. If she can outlast a dead guy, she'll be golden. If not ... she'll join him in the ranks of the living dead... like, total bummer, dude."


THE FUNNY PART IS THAT COULD ACTUALLY KIND OF WORK AS A BUFFY EPISODE. I'M NOT GONNA LIE, I MAY BUY THIS ONE.

CAPTAIN HOOKER AND PETER PORN

"Were you one of those horny adults who thrilled at those pirate movies, not just for the action and adventure, but at those arousing sights of big bad men with their big bad weapons overpowering and ravishing those beautiful maidens and turning them into their wild and willing slaves? Of course you were. But now the hot "good" parts don't get blacked out when the sex action begins. For in this, the first and greatest XXX - Rated pirate epic, nothing is left to your imagination. What really must have happened when pirates were the scourge of the seven seas happens here and more so.

Yes, Captain Hooker andiPeter Porn is the adult pirate video you should not miss, if you crave hot, sexy thrills."


THE DESCRIPTION YOU JUST READ IS EXACTLY WHY I HAVE TRIED AND FAILED AT WRITING ADULT VIDEO DESCRIPTIONS FOR A LIVING. ALSO, I WOULD LIKE TO NOTE THAT THIS MOVIE IS FOUND IN THE "CLASSICS" SECTION AT CDUNIVERSE.COM

A CLOCKWORK ORGY

"Here's where droogs are still droogs, but their tonic is sex, not violence. Superstar Kaitlyn Ashley plays Alex, who is surrounded by fellow gangsters Isis Nile, hot Olivia and the French beauty Rebecca Lord, roam dingy alleyways in search for wanton sex. First they attack a street bum, actor Dick Nasty, when Rebecca Lord winds up on the receiving end of a very gooey facial. Then, Jon Dough in a wheelchair, succumbs to the wild-eyed street nymphs. But not before our Kaitlyn is seduced by parole officer Shelby Stevens, and committed to the looney bin where Jonathan Morgan and Nikole Lace try to recondition out her nymphomania. "

LOL, JON DOUGH.

DAWSON'S CRACK

I COULDN'T FIND A SYNOPSIS FOR THIS ONE ONLINE, BUT LOOK AT THAT COVER. 'NUFF SAID.

Porno Family Tree

The Pron: I've got 3 words for you
The Pron: Care
The Pron: Bear
The Pron: Porn
Friend: OH
Friend: MY
Friend: GOD
Friend: That is my 3 word response

The Pron: I've got 3 words for you
The Pron: Care
The Pron: Bear
The Pron: Porn
Other Friend: :(
Other Friend: :(
Other Friend: :(
Other Friend: That is my 3 emoticon response

Yes, that's how excited everyone was for the Care Bear Porn I found. Described as, "the single hottest sex tape ever, the most controversial video you'll ever see. Taken while on marathon coke binge watch Cheer Bear fuck this chick up the ass until she cums hard, then this little blonde teen slut cleans off his cock with her mouth. This was just too nasty for the 80's!", I imagined I was about to view Porno Bloggo greatness.

But no, all I got was a girl humping a doll:



hmph.

After being severely disappointed by the Care Bear Sex Tape, I considered going on a hunt for actual Care Bear porn. But sometimes, the weirdest pornos come to you. In the form of 'related videos.'

For example:



I don't know how this and Care Bears are related, meaning that internet porno sites are using technology far too advanced for me. But I do know that the description for this video made me laugh:

"She goes from dorm to dorm at night, helping horny men get off with blowjobs and jobs alike. And if your cute, she may just fuck you. But ugly or handsome she'll get you off all the same. Who is this noble woman? Why, she's simply called, the Unknown Whore... I think."

She's providing a much-needed service here people. She's an American Hero, this Unknown Whore.

Let's see who's related to the Unknown Whore:



"Olde Timey Tentacle Sex! Porn From a Bygone Era! Filmed On Cellulaphone! Pulled From Al Capones Vault! Music By Bing Crosby And Robert Whiteman! Directed By Gilbert and Sullivan!"

If the Unknown Whore is Care Bears' ugly older sister, then this is definitely Care Bears' senile Grandma.

...

and people say I have too much time on my hands. I'M NOT MAKING OLD TIMEY PORNO OKAY THANKS!

And if Old Timey Tentacle porno was Care Bears' senile Granmother, then THIS GUY is Care Bears' creepy Uncle:





AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

You guys know the YOU GONNA GET RAPED guy? Creepy Uncle is TOTALLY SCARIER:




omg.

And what could possibly be related to Creepy Uncle?

Midgets and Piss of course.


Of course....



Yes, now you too can live in the world that I live in, where NATURALLY you would expect midgets and piss to follow a creepy bearded guy with clothespins on his nipples. It's a great place to visit, but I wouldn't recommend living here.

Why?

Because you're gonna end up living down the street from Midgets and Piss' cousin...the guy who fucks spongy cushions?!? (Is everyone enjoying the neighborhood of weird porno I've created in my mind. I picture like Edward Scissorhand's neighborhood, fyi)



This is video 12 in a series of 14!!! FOURTEEN VIDEOS this man has made of him fucking... a pillow? A giant sponge? Also, because I'm sure you didn't make it to the end, he has it rigged so there is permanently a condom on his penis when he enters the ... pillow-thing.

AGAIN I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT I MAY HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT MAKING CONDOM-RIGGED PILLOW VAGINA THINGS!

But if you haven't lost your will to live...anywhere... yet, I present you with:


ET PORN



NIGHTMARES. FOREVER. MY SLEEP WITH FOREVER BE HAUNTED WITH THESE IMAGES.

I'm gonna go get used to seeing creepy-ass ET sucking dick everytime I close my eyes.

:(

90210 Worthy Art

I've been trying to find a way to bounce back from the scat entry. It's really hard to bounce back from people eating shit and vomiting and eating that too.

Luckily, I have some resourceful readers to help me in these dark days. Like Shaina, who is the little angel sent from heaven that found us the subject of today's post:

Microsoft Paint Porno!

This holds a special place in my heart, as I am known around these internet parts as "MS Painter Elite." No seriously, I am. I can't tell you how long it took me to jump on the Photoshop bandwagon because I loved Paint so much. I'll spare you my theories about Paint as a minimalist art movement in protest to the oversaturation of photo-rendering programs and the false ideal of perfection they present.

YEAH. SERIOUS BUSINESS.

This post is gonna be image heavy as fuck, cause 90% of these are worth writing about.


Horny Ravers go at it on the dance floor.

Clearly. I mean the disco ball and confetti ceiling are a staple at any rave. All jokes aside, I have to point out how awesome those stick-figures expressions are. Best line drawing rendering of porno face EVER.


Bizarre contortion - BARELY LEGAL!

I get the bizarre contortion part, and I am assuming they are barely legal by the lack of pubic hair on either party. Then I realized I just looked at that Paint drawing to see if it had pubic hair and I remembered how weird being me really is.


Blonde whore about to get it

She's balding and he has herpes. What a pair!


Dripping wet pussy stuffed full of cock

Not all of these are horrible. But I hate that her vagina drips lavender... Also I want to use his pubic hair as a pillow. IS THAT SO WRONG?


Happy Valentine's Day!

.... no thanks.



This guy knows how to rock!

I don't know what this has to do with rocking, but this is fucking brilliant. I could totally see this framed in the living room at Kelly Taylor from 90210's house. Like one of her drunk mom's ex boyfriends would have made that for her and she thought it was so rockin' that she framed it and hung it up. Yep.


Bitch gets fucked during her PERIOD

I know this is kinda unecessarily gross, but can someone make me a shirt of that girl doing the "OMG-blood-is-pooling-in-mid-air-next-to-my-vagina" dance?


Guy with dick ears visits doctor of perversion (Click for full size)

...say it with me now:

WTF??


Coffee monster gets taunts some chick with a COFFEE COCK!!

That coffee is totally gonna rape that chicken.



Doggy style anal butt slut

I posted that one not so much for the art and more for the title. Anal Butt Slut is officially my new favorite phrase.


Cock squirts all over her face

This is exactly how I envisioned my first blowjob when I was younger.


oh the horror

And this is pretty much how said first blowjob went. Her face is priceless.


But MSPaint porn doesn't stop there. They cover just about everything I've ever covered:

Bukkake


Toys


Orgies


Gay Porn


Scat


Alien


Dinosaur


Necrophilia


Hentai


And even things we haven't gotten to yet, like:

Beastiality


Watersports


Robots with penis teeth


um...Dark??


...Metaphysical?!?!?!...


yeah... i dont know
that rendered me punctuation and capitalization-less

Fan Art


I'm not as excited about this as I was at the beginning of the post.