Regret

I want you guys to know that I recently began going to therapy. Hopefully through hard work and dedication, my brain will begin to understand the difference between "interesting" and "vomit-inducing."

Until then, we have....

SMEGMA POST.

I am hoping after that video (which was titled, "My Smelly Cheesy Dick") you are all aware of what Smegma is.  Actually, I am hoping that anyone reading this who has ever or might ever come into contact with someone else's genitals knows what Smegma is. 

Here is the definition, for all you virgins (good lord, why are you reading this blog) and blissfully ignorant folks out there:

Smegma (Greek smēgma, "soap")^[1] is a combination of exfoliated (shed) epithelial cells, transudated skin oils, and moisture. It occurs in both male and female genitalia. In males, smegma helps keep the glans moist and facilitates sexual intercourse by acting as a lubricant.

That sounds all fine and dandy, but Smegma plays a more... graphic ... role in the land of sex.  See, if you don't wash often enough, Smegma can build up and give off an odor.  I don't think I need to explain what the smell of exfoliated cells and skin oils from unwashed genitals would smell like, for I feel the horror of that sentence should be enough to get your olfactory imaginations going.

And of course, people like this.

"The true scent of a man can be found only under his foreskin.."

Fuck you, world,  Where is your God now? Ugh.

They also like to...eat..Smegma.

WARNING: BEFORE YOU PRESS "PLAY" ON THE FOLLOWING VIDEO, KEEP IN MIND THAT IT ACTUALLY MADE ME GAG. ME... AND YOU'VE SEEN THE KIND OF SHIT I'VE SAT THROUGH MULTIPLE TIMES AND BEEN FINE.  JUST A WARNING.

There is also this darling narrative of a day spent with Smegma:

I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at the screen during that whole video.  Everything that man knows is wrong.

This one is called "Cheese in the Park"



I'm only posting it because that is how awesome Smegma is to some people.  They wake up, four days unshowered and counting, look down at their crime against society covered penis and head over to the park to take a video of the biohazard contained in their pants.  To each their own and all, but..yuck.

Oh, Ladies, you get Smegma too, according to science.  You just don't make any videos about it.  For this, I thank you.

WELL HELLO THERE, IS THAT VAGINA I SMELL OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME??

When I started this blog, I really thought of myself as sort of an amateur sex expert. But as of today, I realize I have NO IDEA what's going on in the world of sex.

With that said...

WELL HELLO THERE, IS THAT VAGINA I SMELL OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME??

Oh, that's not VAGINA? It's VULVA:



Yep, you can now purchase "The precious vagina fragrance put into a small vial." (The website URL for vagina perfume is priceless btw: www.smellmeand.com)

But if you don't feel like buying it, you can always get it the old fashioned way. And luckily, there's a product made for the nights when you just HAVE to smell some vag but forgot to pay the electric bill:



Thank GOD, right? I mean, who else here hates fumbling around with genitals in the dark? One thing I think we can all agree on (and that we all probably learned from porn) is that nothing makes your no no spots look better than a bright light focused directly on them. Mmmm... it's like the butcher display case, and that TURNS ME ON.

Another thing you probably hate is when an anal sex encounter presents itself and you're not ready. But fear not, because there is even an invention for you:



It claims to hold "just the right amount of liquid." I may be wrong, but I feel like if you're already getting an enema, it just all feels wrong.

Another thing that feels wrong are SHARK TEETH ON ANY PENIS COMING ANYWHERE NEAR ME!



I'm sorry but the only stimulation those are giving me are the creeps.

Also:

If you're a dude, gay or straight, and you are so lazy that you need this to jerk yourself off, you should just cut it off:



My advice? Sit on your usual jerk off hand until it's numb, then touch your peen. I've heard that makes it feel like someone else is touching it. That, and it doesn't cost $40 to do that.

My friends and I have been recoiling in horror from the discovery of the Pussy Foot for the past few days:



But after looking at it for awhile, I have decided it's kind of ingenius. So I invented one for the ladies:



It's just a prototype but...well..C'MON LADIES..HOP ON!!!!!


...no? FINE. SEE IF I EVER INVENT ANOTHER SEX TOY AGAIN EVER!

But if the whole, vagina on the bottom of a severed foot thing weirds you out, may I suggest this weird clear foot with an opening at the bottom and purple beads inside?



It looks like you're fucking an ice sculpture.

People need to make more videos of them having sex with weird sex toys, cause seriously, the pickings are slim. Actually, the pickings are this:




I guess it's supposed to be a promo video for the Fleshlight, but all I see is a girl moaning while she touches it.


It's THAT GOOD.

Self Inflicted Rape?

When you log onto XTube and you're not signed in it asks you what kind of content you would like to view today. This is the image that comes up:



Clearly being bisexual is what would make you happiest.

On to the post...

I just really haven't been up for watching porno. I write this blog at work, and frankly I have been over-stressed and swamped and headachey and generally not in the mood. But for everyone's sake I am forcing myself to update.

Is forcing myself to watch porn considered rape? Am I raping myself? I could use some roofies right now, I bet my headache would go away....

And speaking of rape, what is going on here???



I couldn't get any audio going on this clip, so I assume there is none. There was no description or anything, which means I am forced to speculate:

HER VAGINA MUST BE RANCID.

Sometimes stating the obvious is best.

Or maybe he's gay. But I guess that doesn't really make any sense, considering not only is he IN this situation.. but they're filming it. Then again, nothing in pornography makes any sense to me anymore after the last post. Maybe I should just leave it alone before it makes the brain tumor I'm convinced I have explode.

Then again, why am I trying to make sense of the world of porno, when there is this:




Good ol' nonsensical Porno!