L.A. Zombie.

So Bruce La Bruce is making a gay porn called L.A. Zombie.

THIS SHOULD MAKE ME SQUEE WITH HAPPINESS.

But it isn't.

First, let me show you the trailer:



This movie pisses me off in a couple of ways.

For one, WUT???  What the hell is this movie about?  I know I just saw a safe for work trailer but it's a trailer and is supposed to entice me to watch the finish product.

Here's what I gather:

Weird green man with white scalp (note: star Francois Sagat actually has a tattooed fade hairstyle on his head.  I don't know why this means that his "hair" should be white, maybe someone can explain this to me.  Actually, if the makeup person from this movie would like to email me at pornomine@gmail.com and explain WHY THE FUCK HE IS COLORED LIKE A BEAUTIFUL PEACOCK that would be awesome.  Have you ever even seen a dead body before? ) comes out of the ocean.  Presumably dead.  With weird werewolf teeth.  Then he ends up on the back of a truck. For what seems like an eternity.  But then he also hitches a ride with someone else, and I think he kills them. He then gets some coffee.. cause zombies LOVE coffee. He steals clothes, even though he is clothed.  Socks especially.  His undead feet were cold? Then he spends a lot of time in the flood control river bed.  And two ska kids fight and one gets shot and drops money.  Then he goes to Skid Row and sorts through a shopping cart. (Yes, I noticed he passed over that perfectly good Super Nintendo) Then he isn't a zombie sometimes because he is no longer a fucking rainbow of blues, but still sticks his hand in a wound and drags a body away.  Then, his teeth take over his face.

I DON'T FUCKING GET IT.

I tried going to the website for a plot synopsis, and all I got was the following statement from Mr. Bruce La Bruce:

"....zombie porn is the wave of the future....Zombie porn is practical because you can create your own orifice..."

Yeah, ok, that would be true and really original and clever if IT HADN'T ALREADY BEEN DONE.  And done better, might I add.

Cause Re-Penetrator was made like 2 YEARS AGO:

RE-PENETRATOR TRAILLER @ Yahoo! Video

And then there was also Porn Of The Dead:

See what they did there?  They didn't just randomly paint someone blue and call it a day.  THEY ACTUALLY MADE ZOMBIES.  Also, both of these movies are more than a year old.  Zombie porn, like zombies, won't ever really go away but the idea has peaked.  Do you want to know where Zombie porn is now, Mr. La Bruce?  Want to know where this "wave of the future" actually ended up?

This guy taking a shower:



I don't hate to say it, his makeup is waaaaay better than that L.A. Zombie peacock bullshit.




p.s. Later today I will dedicate an entire post to Britney Spears porn!  Yay!

Lars and The Real Dismembered Pieces of People

Real Dolls.

We've talked about them once or twice in the past. But did you know they have an 'accessories' line? And I'm not talking about dress-up clothes and a Barbie Mansion.


Booby Balls

These are supposed to be stress relievers, but the idea of seeing any one of my coworkers sitting at their desk squeezing the shit out of one of those is breaking me out in hives.


Male Flat Back Torso


Real Doll Lingerie Bust


This one didn't have a name so I'll call it: Real Doll Creepy Pelvic Region


I'm begging someone to explain to me the appeal of having sex with just pieces of a person. I'm not judging here, I just don't get it. I can't imagine just sitting there with my Lingerie Bust staring at me with those creepy eyes and lack of lower body and arms and being turned on. I understand that there isn't always someone else there to have sex with when you want, and that this is safer than Craiglist Casual Encounters. I get that. I also understand that Real Dolls are expensive, which is why you might only want to purchase the important parts.

But isn't the majority of the appeal of the nude human form in the context of the entire package? Look at those boobies on this blog's header... those actually belong to a very attractive lady I found while perusing the interwebz for subject matter. Look at them now out of context...they're a little gross now, aren't they? Not so appealing.

Although, on second thought, perhaps it is LESS weird to desire human parts than to end up busting out a bright purple dildo or a Hello Kitty vibrator.

Maybe this:



isn't so strange after all.


What IS weird though, is making a your own doll out of cloth and taking a million photos of it and putting on the internet:






The vagina is made of Bubble Wrap for "extra sensation," says it's creator.



This guy is like 5 years away from keeping fat girls in a pit in his basement so he can wear their skin. I'm just sayin'

WELL HELLO THERE, IS THAT VAGINA I SMELL OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME??

When I started this blog, I really thought of myself as sort of an amateur sex expert. But as of today, I realize I have NO IDEA what's going on in the world of sex.

With that said...

WELL HELLO THERE, IS THAT VAGINA I SMELL OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME??

Oh, that's not VAGINA? It's VULVA:



Yep, you can now purchase "The precious vagina fragrance put into a small vial." (The website URL for vagina perfume is priceless btw: www.smellmeand.com)

But if you don't feel like buying it, you can always get it the old fashioned way. And luckily, there's a product made for the nights when you just HAVE to smell some vag but forgot to pay the electric bill:



Thank GOD, right? I mean, who else here hates fumbling around with genitals in the dark? One thing I think we can all agree on (and that we all probably learned from porn) is that nothing makes your no no spots look better than a bright light focused directly on them. Mmmm... it's like the butcher display case, and that TURNS ME ON.

Another thing you probably hate is when an anal sex encounter presents itself and you're not ready. But fear not, because there is even an invention for you:



It claims to hold "just the right amount of liquid." I may be wrong, but I feel like if you're already getting an enema, it just all feels wrong.

Another thing that feels wrong are SHARK TEETH ON ANY PENIS COMING ANYWHERE NEAR ME!



I'm sorry but the only stimulation those are giving me are the creeps.

Also:

If you're a dude, gay or straight, and you are so lazy that you need this to jerk yourself off, you should just cut it off:



My advice? Sit on your usual jerk off hand until it's numb, then touch your peen. I've heard that makes it feel like someone else is touching it. That, and it doesn't cost $40 to do that.

My friends and I have been recoiling in horror from the discovery of the Pussy Foot for the past few days:



But after looking at it for awhile, I have decided it's kind of ingenius. So I invented one for the ladies:



It's just a prototype but...well..C'MON LADIES..HOP ON!!!!!


...no? FINE. SEE IF I EVER INVENT ANOTHER SEX TOY AGAIN EVER!

But if the whole, vagina on the bottom of a severed foot thing weirds you out, may I suggest this weird clear foot with an opening at the bottom and purple beads inside?



It looks like you're fucking an ice sculpture.

People need to make more videos of them having sex with weird sex toys, cause seriously, the pickings are slim. Actually, the pickings are this:




I guess it's supposed to be a promo video for the Fleshlight, but all I see is a girl moaning while she touches it.


It's THAT GOOD.