So Bruce La Bruce is making a gay porn called L.A. Zombie.
THIS SHOULD MAKE ME SQUEE WITH HAPPINESS.
But it isn't.
First, let me show you the trailer:
This movie pisses me off in a couple of ways.
For one, WUT??? What the hell is this movie about? I know I just saw a safe for work trailer but it's a trailer and is supposed to entice me to watch the finish product.
Here's what I gather:
Weird green man with white scalp (note: star Francois Sagat actually has a tattooed fade hairstyle on his head. I don't know why this means that his "hair" should be white, maybe someone can explain this to me. Actually, if the makeup person from this movie would like to email me at pornomine@gmail.com and explain WHY THE FUCK HE IS COLORED LIKE A BEAUTIFUL PEACOCK that would be awesome. Have you ever even seen a dead body before? ) comes out of the ocean. Presumably dead. With weird werewolf teeth. Then he ends up on the back of a truck. For what seems like an eternity. But then he also hitches a ride with someone else, and I think he kills them. He then gets some coffee.. cause zombies LOVE coffee. He steals clothes, even though he is clothed. Socks especially. His undead feet were cold? Then he spends a lot of time in the flood control river bed. And two ska kids fight and one gets shot and drops money. Then he goes to Skid Row and sorts through a shopping cart. (Yes, I noticed he passed over that perfectly good Super Nintendo) Then he isn't a zombie sometimes because he is no longer a fucking rainbow of blues, but still sticks his hand in a wound and drags a body away. Then, his teeth take over his face.
I DON'T FUCKING GET IT.
I tried going to the website for a plot synopsis, and all I got was the following statement from Mr. Bruce La Bruce:
"....zombie porn is the wave of the future....Zombie porn is practical because you can create your own orifice..."
Yeah, ok, that would be true and really original and clever if IT HADN'T ALREADY BEEN DONE. And done better, might I add.
Cause Re-Penetrator was made like 2 YEARS AGO:
What you are about to see here required me to create two new tags: Brain Bleach and Eye Bleach. Why? Because you will definitely wish for someone to invent those products immediately after watching this.
Note: IF you can make it all the way to end, it's actually kind of hilarious. My advice is to focus on how amazing the song is until the funny starts happening. It worked for me, and I watched it like three times.
Have fun!
I Love The Fishes
Here is a preview if you are nervous about clicking:
The Pron: I've got 3 words for you
The Pron: Care
The Pron: Bear
The Pron: Porn
Friend: OH
Friend: MY
Friend: GOD
Friend: That is my 3 word response
The Pron: I've got 3 words for you
The Pron: Care
The Pron: Bear
The Pron: Porn
Other Friend: :(
Other Friend: :(
Other Friend: :(
Other Friend: That is my 3 emoticon response
Yes, that's how excited everyone was for the Care Bear Porn I found. Described as, "the single hottest sex tape ever, the most controversial video you'll ever see. Taken while on marathon coke binge watch Cheer Bear fuck this chick up the ass until she cums hard, then this little blonde teen slut cleans off his cock with her mouth. This was just too nasty for the 80's!", I imagined I was about to view Porno Bloggo greatness.
But no, all I got was a girl humping a doll:
Ok, I'm about to post about necrophilia and I can't get past this:
Yep, I'm clicking and I'm taking you with me.
My coworker Tyler, through a random series of events involving stick figures (don't ask) had the idea that I should post about necrophilia. At the risk of going too far, I agreed.
I figured that Necrophilia's presence on the web would be hard to come by and secretive, like child porn. You know, where you CAN find it if you try hard enough but I'm not trying that hard to watch someone fuck a dead body...and for the most part I'm right. But Necrophilia is fortunate to share it's audience with a far more acceptable (read: less disturbing) niche: Sleepy Sex.
Sleepy Sex is pretty self-explanatory: Sexual acts with a (presumably) unsuspecting sleeping person. It's like really non-aggressive rape. But Sleepy Sex for the most part keeps itself defined seperately from the nightvision videos you see of drunk college girls passed out with like 50 frat boys fucking them. Cause THAT'S rape.
Sleepy Sex videos always almost end with the sleeper waking up delighted to be in whatever situation they've found themselves in...which is more often than not something involving their feet:
Who sleeps in Stripper Heels? And crotchless pants? Did stripper heels really deserve to be capitalized? And why didn't crotchless pants get capitalized, as they are clearly more innovative and I'm 100% sure they're more comfortable??
Anyway, after Tyler's (possibly genius) suggestion, I set out to see how much Necrophilia I could find online. That sentence alone is going to send my mother to her grave for sure...no pun intended.
Well Readers, it took about two seconds to find "Rob's Necrophilia Fantasy."
And now we can begin this journey together, through Rob's Fantasy...which may very well end up being our collective nightmare, readers. I apologize in advance.
After clicking on the girl in the casket a demographic survey comes up. My first thought was, "This better not ask me how old I am and if I have any fatal diseases.." but really, the survey is very innocent. Rob just wants to know how you got here and why you're here, and the whole thing feels almost like a clinical research study:
Question #3 -
Why are you here?
(select the best response)
I arrived by accident and have no particular interest; just curious.
I am doing a research paper or background for an article or book or investigation.
I'm just curious. I wanted more information for general knowledge.
I'm just curious. I have feelings along the lines of sleepysex.
I'm just curious. I have feelings along the lines of necrophilia.
I'm just curious. Someone I know has feelings of sleepysex.
I'm just curious. Someone I know has feelings of necrophilia.
lol someone I know has feelings of sleepysex.
I opted to skip the survey, just because I was too anxious to see what lay beyond it in Rob's Fantasy. The next page is a welcome page, complete with a quote from Socrates, (who is dead...just an FYI for all you necrophiliacs out there. Ok ok, I promise, no more bad necro jokes!)
I think it would be best to let Rob take over momentarily:
In my wanderings around the Internet I have met many people who have had very serious concerns about their feelings of death and sexuality. Many think they are perverts... some think they are in need of mental help... and some have even gone so far as to consider suicide... all because of not simply understanding their own feelings.
Consider these recent contacts I've had...
*A young female teacher wrote telling me about her feelings about imagining herself dead and being ravished sexually.
*A middle-aged lawyer, married-with-kids, told me about his many years of guilt in having the sexual urge to make love to his wife while she was totally unconscious.
*A doctor revealed to me his guilt over having had real life sex with a dead female... and did that make him a necrophiliac?
*A female teen (I get many teens writing to me... and not necessarily for necro interests) wrote to me thinking she might have a mental illness because of her fantasies of the love of her life making love to her unconscious body.
* A cop from New York who wants to share his necro feelings with his wife but is afraid.
*A 19 year old coed from Virginia feeling guilt over having thoughts about wanting to make love to dead males.
* A 25 year old secretary from Los Angeles who's boyfriend recently died in an accident and writes that she is having feelings of wishing she could make love one last time to his body... and did those feelings make her "nuts"?
*A 33 year old corporate executive from Canada who was abused as a child, suffering from manic depression as a result, and has sexual feelings of being found dead and sexually used.
*A gay male government employee from Des Moines fighting his urges to want to have sex with dead men.
The list goes on... and if you fall into any of these categories or another one totally different, you are most assuredly NOT alone. The point to remember is that while you're feelings are unique to yourself, they are not unique to the world.
The way Rob writes could make me feel good about anything! Seriously!
From this point there is a table of contents. There are several articles outlining how to deal with your blossoming love for the dead and/or the sleeping. But in order to keep this entry from becoming less like a funny Porno Mine read and more like a thesis paper, I think we'll skip ahead to:
THIS REALLY FUCKING CREEPY IM EXCHANGE ABOUT A GUY FUCKING HIS DEAD WIFE
NOTE FROM THE PRON: THIS IS LONG SO I WENT AHEAD AND BOLDED THE...GOOD? BAD? HORRIFYING? PARTS FOR THE TL;DR CROWD. MY COMMENTARY WILL BE IN ITALICS NEXT TO THE BOLDED STUFF. THIS IS RIDIC!!!
tom_tormented (2:43:26 PM): Unfortunately, my wife died suddenly on May the 25th of this year. Her pictures when alive are in my profile...and in my profiles "photo" folder as well. Take a moment to look.
shadowmn (2:43:49 PM): Oh I am so so sorry... how did she die?
tom_tormented (2:45:06 PM): Sorry, my son came in the room and started talking to me...
tom_tormented (2:45:11 PM): I'm back.
tom_tormented (2:45:23 PM): Well, the cause has yet to be "officially" determined. THIS GUY'S USE OF QUOTATIONS IS GONNA MAKE YOU PULL YOUR HAIR OUT BY THE END OF THIS
tom_tormented (2:45:35 PM): However, the initial thought is that it was a blood clot to the brain. THAT'S QUITE A DIAGNOSIS FOR A FIRST-TIMER
tom_tormented (2:45:40 PM): It was almost instant.
shadowmn (2:45:45 PM): jeezz.. I am so sorry, friend.
tom_tormented (2:46:05 PM): She smiled at me...her pupils dilated...her head fell back and she took four breaths and was gone.
tom_tormented (2:46:10 PM): Did you see her pics yet?
shadowmn (2:46:15 PM): yes
Note: Being a sexually expressive couple, the pics he refers to here were of her in some sexually provocative positions as they enjoyed sharing these to the world. ROB TYPED THAT NOT ME. OBVIOUSLY, CAUSE I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE: OMFG THEN THEY SHOWED ME PICTURES OF THEM DOING IT EW!
tom_tormented (2:46:27 PM): It was fast...and from what I have been told...painless.
tom_tormented (2:46:35 PM): She was gone instantly.
tom_tormented (2:46:54 PM): We had been married for 14 years.
shadowmn (2:46:54 PM): Such a tragic loss
shadowmn (2:47:14 PM): Where are you from?
tom_tormented (2:47:20 PM): MS
tom_tormented (2:47:31 PM): Eastern, MS...
shadowmn (2:47:33 PM): ah ok.. Illinois, recently in AZ at the moment
tom_tormented (2:47:49 PM): Ok, cool.
shadowmn (2:47:51 PM): I am so sorry.. truly.
tom_tormented (2:48:04 PM): Yea, it's tough...I am a single dad with 3 kids now.
shadowmn (2:48:16 PM): Please tell me you made last love to her somehow. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS LOST A LOVED ONE
tom_tormented (2:48:28 PM): Yes, at home.
shadowmn (2:48:48 PM): You didn't call the paramedics right away?
tom_tormented (2:49:07 PM): I did...but where we live is very far out...I knew that I have almost 20 minutes with her.
shadowmn (2:49:20 PM): May I ask what you did with her OH GOD...
tom_tormented (2:50:03 PM): Yes, we always sleep in the nude...so, she was already naked. We were going to bed and she was reading her latest Stephen King novel.
tom_tormented (2:50:21 PM): She would read every night before turning off the light on her side of the bed.
shadowmn (2:50:36 PM): ok
tom_tormented (2:50:37 PM): This night, she looked at me and said "huh, that's funny?"
tom_tormented (2:50:41 PM): And I said "What?"
tom_tormented (2:50:56 PM): She said, "my cheek just went numb."
shadowmn (2:51:04 PM): ohh
tom_tormented (2:51:04 PM): I looked at her and she smiled.
tom_tormented (2:51:23 PM): Then she said "maybe it's a tooth thing. I need to see a dentist."
tom_tormented (2:51:27 PM): She went back to reading.
tom_tormented (2:51:40 PM): Then she said, "Wow, my fingers are tingling."
tom_tormented (2:51:43 PM): It was her left hand.
shadowmn (2:52:00 PM): ah.. a stroke huh
tom_tormented (2:52:03 PM): Then, she started to sweat. I got up and went to get her some wet towels to put on her head.
tom_tormented (2:52:29 PM): By the time I came back she was on her back. Just staring up.
tom_tormented (2:52:39 PM): I asked her if she was "OK" and she smiled.
tom_tormented (2:52:55 PM): She said, "I'll be fine" and then immediately gritted her teeth.
tom_tormented (2:53:06 PM): Her pupils opened all the way and the brown of her eyes dissapeard.
tom_tormented (2:53:32 PM): Her eyes were solid black...her head went back (as if having an orgasm) and she took four breaths.
tom_tormented (2:53:39 PM): Then, she was dead.
shadowmn (2:53:50 PM): how tragic..
tom_tormented (2:54:02 PM): She was 41 years old
tom_tormented (2:54:06 PM): Perfect health.
shadowmn (2:54:12 PM): go figure
tom_tormented (2:54:31 PM): So, I called 911 and decided to wait.
tom_tormented (2:55:07 PM): Sorry...son walked in again...
shadowmn (2:55:10 PM): np
tom_tormented (2:56:04 PM): So, basically, she was there...naked on the bed...and I was crying like a baby. It started with me kissing her forehead...caressing her breasts and kissing her lips. Most of the time I was saying "my God Kate...why did this happen!"
shadowmn (2:56:21 PM): I can only imagine
tom_tormented (2:56:31 PM): It was very intimate. Hard to explain really....pure emotion.
tom_tormented (2:56:59 PM): At this time, somewhere deep in my brain...I realized that I would never have the opportunity to make love to her again. I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING....
shadowmn (2:57:05 PM): yeah
tom_tormented (2:57:27 PM): Knowing how long the medics would take, and the fact that she was totally naked and they would never know "what" she was doing when she died...I decided to make love to her.
tom_tormented (2:58:01 PM): I spread her legs. Got some "astroglide" out of our "toy" drawer and lubricated myself.
shadowmn (2:58:10 PM): You experienced a rare intimacy few ever experience with a loved one who died
tom_tormented (2:58:34 PM): Then I slowly inserted into her (crying the whole time) and began to move.
shadowmn (2:58:38 PM): ok
shadowmn (2:58:44 PM): You said you had to lube yourself up before entering her.. was that cause you are large or more simply for feeling enhancement?
tom_tormented (3:58:55 PM): She was very dry and I am about 8 inches.
tom_tormented (2:59:04 PM): It was odd, because she was so still. She was a very responsive lover and her vaginal muscles were "milking" muscles...that sensation was missing.
tom_tormented (2:59:09 PM): She was actually very loose.
shadowmn (2:59:23 PM): yeah, I bet ...YEAH I BET. SHADOWMN KNOWS ALL ABOUT THE VAG GOING ALL LOOSEY-GOOSEY AFTER ITS OWNER DIES...
tom_tormented (2:59:28 PM): Also, while I was doing her she pissed a little.
shadowmn (2:59:47 PM): that's normal..
tom_tormented (2:59:57 PM): I kept kissing her...sucking her breasts and pumping. All I could think about was that this was the last time I would ever cum in her.
shadowmn (3:00:14 PM): smart guy IS HE BEING SARCASTIC?
tom_tormented (3:00:41 PM): So, about 10 minutes passed and I began to worry if the medics would use the siren or just pull up and knock.
tom_tormented (3:01:01 PM): I also noticed that there was some skin color change where I was touching her.
tom_tormented (3:01:42 PM): The back of her neck was starting to get darker (purple in color) and it was as if all her blood was rushing to her back.
shadowmn (3:01:50 PM): yes
tom_tormented (3:01:56 PM): I could even notice that she was getting cooler.
tom_tormented (3:02:07 PM): Not much...but some.
tom_tormented (3:02:15 PM): Enough to tell.
shadowmn (3:02:20 PM): yeah
tom_tormented (3:02:48 PM): So, I hurried up and had an intense orgasm inside her.
shadowmn (3:02:57 PM): good
tom_tormented (3:03:21 PM): I pulled out and she started to drip. So I got a T-shirt of hers and wiped her off on the outside.
shadowmn (3:03:33 PM): Think of taking any pics?
tom_tormented (3:03:49 PM): Yes.
shadowmn (3:04:00 PM): good man. you can always remember her that way
shadowmn (3:04:11 PM): your last time together
tom_tormented (3:04:15 PM): Yes.
tom_tormented (3:04:34 PM): Luckily, she loved the camera in life...I have over 3000 pics of her nude or during sex.
tom_tormented (3:04:39 PM): So, it seemed fitting. OK, FOR THE RECORD: NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE THE CAMERA IN LIFE, I AM NOT GOING TO LOVE IT IN DEATH. ESPECIALLY IF I'M NAKED AND YOU JUST FUCKED MY DEAD BODY.
shadowmn (3:04:44 PM): yeah
shadowmn (3:05:24 PM): My real name is ____.. "Rob" is a pen name for the site
tom_tormented (3:05:33 PM): Ok, cool.
tom_tormented (3:05:35 PM): I am Tom.
shadowmn (3:05:51 PM): Nice to meet you, Tom.. yet sad at the reason.
tom_tormented (3:06:16 PM): Yes, I am still pretty broken up about it. It was my research on embalming that led me to your site.
shadowmn (3:06:32 PM): I imagine the assholes did an autopsy on her?
tom_tormented (3:06:39 PM): 3
shadowmn (3:06:42 PM): pricks
tom_tormented (3:06:52 PM): Yea, she was an organ donor too.
tom_tormented (3:07:03 PM): 6 people got parts of her.
shadowmn (3:07:13 PM): Well, that is good. But sad they slice her pristine body all up.
tom_tormented (3:07:25 PM): Yes, very true. Hard to think about at times.
shadowmn (3:07:49 PM): Maybe at least a little of you is resting inside her.
tom_tormented (3:08:23 PM): Yes, I am sure.
tom_tormented (3:09:17 PM): When I was done...I put her hands on her chest and took a few pictures.
shadowmn (3:09:26 PM): Thanks for sharing your story. Actually.. it's a main basis for my site. Necro laws sucks.. and family members should be allowed to do what they wish with their loved ones.
tom_tormented (3:09:50 PM): Would you like to see a picture of her from after?
shadowmn (3:10:22 PM): If you would like to share in the moment and let me see a couple pics I'd be honored.. but rest assured I don't post this stuff nor hand it around. I'd loose my credibility if I did that
tom_tormented (3:10:40 PM): Ok, well, I blurred her face for safety anyway.
shadowmn (3:10:45 PM): ok
tom_tormented (3:10:55 PM): I will also share one of her in her coffin...if you wish.
shadowmn (3:11:01 PM): yes.. thanks
tom_tormented (3:12:10 PM): I took her wedding ring off in these pics...so she can't be identified by it.
tom_tormented (3:12:57 PM): Did the 1st pic come through?
shadowmn (3:13:00 PM): yes
shadowmn (3:13:22 PM): she's very attractive
tom_tormented (3:13:38 PM): Thanks.
shadowmn (3:13:51 PM): I am so so sorry Tom
tom_tormented (3:13:59 PM): Thanks again.
tom_tormented (3:37:56 PM): Well, before the medics arrived...I shaved her pussy and kept all the hair.
shadowmn (3:38:03 PM): good man
shadowmn (4:16:18 PM): Interesting visual one can muster up with that image after you did her when she died.
tom_tormented (4:16:59 PM): I really rammed hard because she was so loose.
shadowmn (4:17:23 PM): I'm sure she would have orgasmed good
tom_tormented (4:17:40 PM): The problem was that she kept sliding up the bed...and her head would start to hit the headboard...then I would have to stop and grab her ankles and pull her back down...it was odd.
shadowmn (4:17:52 PM): yeah
shadowmn (4:18:05 PM): She was large breasted..
tom_tormented (4:18:28 PM): Yea, but I held on to them or was on her most of the time.
shadowmn (4:18:35 PM): good
tom_tormented (4:18:55 PM): When the paramedics arrived, she was still naked on the bed.
tom_tormented (4:19:02 PM): It was two young guys.
shadowmn (4:19:13 PM): was she still dripping at that time?
tom_tormented (4:19:26 PM): Not until they picked her up and moved her to the gurney.
tom_tormented (4:19:31 PM): Then she gushed a little.
shadowmn (4:19:38 PM): kinda obvious then
tom_tormented (4:19:41 PM): The guy on the foot end was a little shaken.
shadowmn (4:20:05 PM): why
tom_tormented (4:20:17 PM): Seeing the cum come out of her...he looked a bit shocked.
shadowmn (4:20:21 PM): ohh hehe
tom_tormented (4:20:42 PM): I told them that we were fucking when she died.
shadowmn (4:20:56 PM): I bet that got him going too
tom_tormented (4:21:07 PM): I guess. LOL.
tom_tormented (4:21:29 PM): I do wonder about that medic. THE PRON HAS BEEN RENDERED SPEECHLESS...TYPELESS..WHATEVER.
tom_tormented (4:22:10 PM): She was totally gone...no more that could be done. They put her in the ambulance and one of the medics rode in the back with her to the hospital. Why? What is the point if she was dead?
tom_tormented (4:22:24 PM): Made me wonder.
tom_tormented (4:42:47 PM): So, I know this is a touchy issue...but do many of the people you talk to have a "faith" of some kind...or does it take someone who isn't religious to enjoy the dead.
shadowmn (4:44:29 PM): Oh.. people are all over the chart when it comes to sex with the dead and morality. Even in my own situation.. fantasy.. I am never 'fucking' the dead.. but making love with them.. it's a spiritual thing for me in a way. Not religious though. But even those who 'lust' for the dead can be religious if they hold to the idea that the soul leaves the body with the last breath.. and after that it's just an empty vessl.
shadowmn (4:44:54 PM): Hell, the Bible says that much
tom_tormented (4:45:06 PM): Well, I can be honest there...my wife was GONE the moment she died.
shadowmn (4:45:35 PM): Then who/what did you make love to?
tom_tormented (4:46:01 PM): To her body. To what I had left. Her spirit...her soul...was gone.
shadowmn (4:46:17 PM): Did you 'fuck' her remains or make love?
tom_tormented (4:46:27 PM): Made love to them...that was all I had.
shadowmn (4:46:41 PM): Then you have nothing to regret.
tom_tormented (4:46:46 PM): But I knew Lyn was gone.
shadowmn (4:46:49 PM): Are you feeling guilt?
tom_tormented (4:46:51 PM): Nope.
shadowmn (4:46:55 PM): good
shadowmn (4:47:15 PM): If you had more time would you have made more love with her body?
tom_tormented (4:47:41 PM): I don't think so...I truly feel it would have cheapened the experience.
shadowmn (4:48:06 PM): I can see both sides.. but you did what you felt was right and that's all thats imoortant
tom_tormented (4:48:32 PM): For a brief moment I thought about eating her...but the libricant (and the fact she was leaking piss) really prevented that.
shadowmn (4:55:01 PM): I'm sorry for your loss, Tom.
tom_tormented (4:55:13 PM): Thank you.
tom_tormented (4:55:23 PM): It was nice talking to you.
shadowmn (4:55:31 PM): was nice talking to you too.
shadowmn (4:55:42 PM): what do you do for a living
tom_tormented (4:56:09 PM): I work for a large electronics chain.
tom_tormented (4:56:19 PM): My wife was a newspaper editor.
shadowmn (4:58:08 PM): Had sex with anyone since?
tom_tormented (4:58:21 PM): Nope. COUPLE THINGS: 1. SHADOWMN'S LINE OF QUESTIONING IS SO ODD.. "SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, WHERE DO YOU WORK?" 2. I'M GLAD THAT HE WAS TOO GOOD TO GO DOWN ON HIS WIFE CAUSE SHE HAD PEED A LITTLE BUT NOT TOO GOOD TO FUCK HER WHILE SHE WAS DEAD...I'M JUST SAYIN..
shadowmn (4:58:26 PM): didn't think so.
tom_tormented (4:58:27 PM): No rebounds.
tom_tormented (4:58:45 PM): But, there is someone special who may...in the future...be there for me
tom_tormented (4:58:48 PM): Only time will tell.
shadowmn (4:58:52 PM): good
shadowmn (4:59:51 PM): I need to break away for a few Tom.. I'll be sitting online here but in the background for a while. I'd enjoy chatting later if you wish.
tom_tormented (5:00:15 PM): No problem...talk to you later. Bye.
shadowmn (5:00:19 PM): adios for now.
Ok, I'm sure you need a moment to recover from that too...so let's take a moment.
Alright, I'm feeling a little better, although I feel that my shower water will never quite be hot enough to make me ever feel clean after having read that.
But I do want to throw in my two cents here:
Rob says a lot on his website about how Necro laws should allow family members to do as they please with their loved one's bodies. As someone who took more than a class or two on the subject, (try two years of mortuary science schooling), I can say that in part I agree with that. I believe that if my husband wishes to be buried in the backyard, or cremated and have his ashes put in a flagpole, than he should be granted that wish. But non consensual sex is still rape, whether you were married and dead or strangers and alive. So unless it is indicated in that person's last will and testament, sex with the dead should be off limits.
Lest you think the Pron has gotten all moral on you, let me remind you, I think fetishes are healthy and awesome...and there are plenty of living people willing to play dead and have sex with you. Or you could get a real doll.
Or you could stick a dead octopus in your vagina:
There's a video of that happening, so I can verify that's what happened, but the site it's on is so virus-inducing and pop-up crazy that I'll spare you.
Sorry guys.
I haven't seen it yet, so I can't review it, but... I AM CONSIDERING PURCHASING THIS PORNO.
Because I need to know HOW her ass became haunted and WHAT exactly that entails.
This post was inspired by the porn convention I recently attended...well that and I've been listening to a lot of R. Kelly lately.
Sex Toys.
I could sing the praises of sex toys all day. They help people and that's something even I can't make fun of. And people LOVE their toys. If you ever find yourself on a sex video site, you should search the term "Fleshlight" and marvel at the community of Fleshlight fans out there.
But there are a couple things that I can say about sex toys that aren't so positive:
The Accommodator
(I know, this isn't a video, but no one has made Accommodator porno as far as I can tell and I promise there will be video coming up)
The purpose of this toy is to be able to penetrate during oral sex hands free. Ok, I get the usefulness of that.
But imagine this scenario between you and your partner...feel free to get a friend and act this out:
You: Honey! I'm home!
Partner: Oh I'm upstairs dear! I have a surprise for you!
You: I hope it's dinner, I'm STARVING.
Partner: It's better than dinner!
You: Ok.
You: Honey, why are you hiding in the bathroom?
Partner: Just lie down and get comfy, I'll be out in a second!
You: Ok, but darling, I'm very tired and hungry and not really up for-
You:....well Hello there. Is that a dildo strapped to your chin or are you just happy to see me?
I bet you thought a woman was gonna come out of the bathroom. Well, I've got what you're looking for, if that's what you're into:
You know she's gonna put that in your butt, don't you?
Aroused yet? No? Let's keep moving then.
Fake Vaginas
Fake Vaginas are just as mood killing in my opinion. I can't imagine being a guy and working myself up only to reach under my bed and pull out what may be the most disturbing part of the female anatomy when taken out of context. And they usually come with a weird pump thing that gets them wet. And I may be wrong, but I remember hearing about ones where you could put the birth canal in the microwave to warm it up.
I figure if your sex toy requires more than three steps to prepare it, you might as well just hire a hooker. At least then you get boobs too.
The whole time I watched this video, I wondered if his penis was just ramming into the floor.
Next up...
Inflatable Pussies
Inflatable Pussies are also known as Air Bags since thats basically all they are. I have also heard them referred to as "Pussy Trainers" but I don't really get that. Penises get hard so they can go into Vaginas, and frankly if anyone in this party needs to be trained for that sort of activity, it's little Miss Vagina.
Also, it just looks like a bag of popcorn with a dick in it.
Huge Dildos
And I think this is how little Miss Vagina trains herself:
Wow.
Just...wow.
Ok so, one of my coworkers has recently been clued into this blog. Half the fun (horribleness) of this is explaining to people WHY I do this.
NO ONE BELIEVES ME WHEN I SAY IT'S BECAUSE PORN IS FUNNY.
I let my coworker in the on the video selection process after the suggestion that I review some midget porn when all of my usual sources (bookmarks, subscriptions) were coming up dry. I have vowed not to use anything obviously funny. OF COURSE midget porn is horrible. I want stuff that is unexpectedly ridiculous. So no midgets, no trannies, and only the occasional stuffed animal I swear.
What I like to do when I'm lacking good (bad) porno, is to just put in random words in the search engines on my favorite porno sites. So, first up was the word "Donkey."
Big mistake.
Because for one, I hadn't turned off the content filter, which meant Gay porn was coming up in my search results. Now, I'm not saying Gay porno isn't funny sometimes, but with most things the Gays are overachievers...and there is just WAY TOO MUCH Gay porno for me to sort through. Especially in this scenario where the phrase "Donkey Dick" is in heavy rotation.
Oh, and there was this really weird, not so much funny as it was really disturbing video of a guy having sex with a donkey. Go find it yourselves, cause I'm not putting it here. Weirdos.
I put my content filter onto "Straight" and searched another random word: "Mouse"
Only one video comes up. A girl swallowing a live mouse. Moving on....
....
Why is a girl swallowing a mouse considered porn?
..... ok ok moving on for real this time.
Things are looking pretty bleak, so it's time to bust out the big guns.
Search: "Religious"
Cause religious porn is always hilarious, right?
Right.
Only one video comes up. I read carefully before I click, because I am not really feeling all the animal porno I've had to watch in the past half hour, and this is the description I am treated to:
Description: A touching story of religious freedom and soft tender love in a world of sick, twisted, perverted wierdos on crack. Quit reading this shit and watch the fuckin video! Gimmie some paparazi to kill!
What??
WHAT??
....
Well, that's good enough for me:
p.s. why the fuck are embed codes the most difficult things in the world for me to copy and paste?? is it just me?
Now, there are a few things going on here. Like, oh I dunno, THE MUSIC..THE KLOWN JESUS SPLICED INTO THE BUKKAKE... THE WEIRD CLOWN WITH PURPLE HAIR AT THE END...
yeah, just a few things going on here.
I...I don't know. I don't know how to explain this, guys. Bukkake Asian porno with a picture of Jesus photoshopped into a clown in the middle with some Joe Cocker music over it. No weirdos on crack though. At least none that I could see.
I feel like in some strange twist in the universe that poor mouse that got swallowed for pornotube ended up in heaven with Bukkake Clown Jesus. I sure hope he likes Asian girls.
See? And people think porno isn't funny.
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