HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Holiday....



Celebrate....



If we took a holiday...



Took some time to celebrate...



Just one day out of life....



It would be...



It would be so nice....

See you in 2010

Video Phone

*no this is not the original post i promised, but sometimes stuff falls into my lap that needs to be posted about ASAP*

Allow this video to provide the proper soundtrack and ambiance for today's post:

In case you were wondering/have no concept of popular culture, the video above is a parody of "Video Phone" by Beyonce featuring Lady Gaga.  I feel that it goes perfectly with what I wanted to talk about today.

Hey did you know there is a website called Guys With iPhones?

It's basically an assortment of photos men have taken of themselves in various states of undress using their iPhones.  Simple enough.  There is also Girls with iPhones, which isn't as funny and that shouldn't surprise anyone.  (Excuse my feminism, and don't worry this won't be a huge sausage fest...I'll post some ladies I promise.)

So when I first stumbled upon the site I imagined I would be assaulted with the full frontal of a bevy of (formerly) Ed Hardy clad douchebags who had leftovers from sending their penis to everyone on Facebook and Craigslist who might give a damn.  And sure, I did see some of that... but there was so much more to it than that:

There were Gentlemen

An adorable boy who looks a LOT like the guy who played Godric on True Blood (please let it be him!)

There were Bunnies!

 

 

Chuck E Cheese

Um..Jesus?

Jesus would have an iPhone. He also drives a Prius but doesn't recycle, fyi.

Some guy who had a padlock on his dick

 

ouch

And of course there were some who just couldn't get the angle on their n00dz right

 

 

And this...

it puts the lotion on its skin....

As far as the ladies go... All I have to say is they need to step it up.  You get four types of iPhone Girls:

1. Ultra high maintenence, unrealistic sexuality

2. Awkward realistic-while-unappealing sexuality

3. Dressing room photos that are just of outfits you tried on (BORING)

 

4. Girls who just can't get the angles right.

I am disappointed, ladies.  Go watch this video...let Beyonce teach you about angles and appeal... and come back with some real winners:

Regret

I want you guys to know that I recently began going to therapy. Hopefully through hard work and dedication, my brain will begin to understand the difference between "interesting" and "vomit-inducing."

Until then, we have....

SMEGMA POST.

I am hoping after that video (which was titled, "My Smelly Cheesy Dick") you are all aware of what Smegma is.  Actually, I am hoping that anyone reading this who has ever or might ever come into contact with someone else's genitals knows what Smegma is. 

Here is the definition, for all you virgins (good lord, why are you reading this blog) and blissfully ignorant folks out there:

Smegma (Greek smēgma, "soap")^[1] is a combination of exfoliated (shed) epithelial cells, transudated skin oils, and moisture. It occurs in both male and female genitalia. In males, smegma helps keep the glans moist and facilitates sexual intercourse by acting as a lubricant.

That sounds all fine and dandy, but Smegma plays a more... graphic ... role in the land of sex.  See, if you don't wash often enough, Smegma can build up and give off an odor.  I don't think I need to explain what the smell of exfoliated cells and skin oils from unwashed genitals would smell like, for I feel the horror of that sentence should be enough to get your olfactory imaginations going.

And of course, people like this.

"The true scent of a man can be found only under his foreskin.."

Fuck you, world,  Where is your God now? Ugh.

They also like to...eat..Smegma.

WARNING: BEFORE YOU PRESS "PLAY" ON THE FOLLOWING VIDEO, KEEP IN MIND THAT IT ACTUALLY MADE ME GAG. ME... AND YOU'VE SEEN THE KIND OF SHIT I'VE SAT THROUGH MULTIPLE TIMES AND BEEN FINE.  JUST A WARNING.

There is also this darling narrative of a day spent with Smegma:

I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at the screen during that whole video.  Everything that man knows is wrong.

This one is called "Cheese in the Park"



I'm only posting it because that is how awesome Smegma is to some people.  They wake up, four days unshowered and counting, look down at their crime against society covered penis and head over to the park to take a video of the biohazard contained in their pants.  To each their own and all, but..yuck.

Oh, Ladies, you get Smegma too, according to science.  You just don't make any videos about it.  For this, I thank you.

BATER DONG!

I rarely, if ever, look for hilarity in solo jerk off videos. They're pretty straightforward and are hardly ever more than a minute or two long.

Then the god or succubus or whatever of porn bestows onto me this most amazing video:



Turn your audio on and prepare yourself to hear the word "penis" more times than you ever have.

These are all the things he calls his penis, and how many times he says it:

Big Penis (4 times)
Big Fat Penis
Big 'ol Fat Bull Penis
Greasy Dong (3 times)
Giant Fat Fucking Dong (2 times)
Penis Worship (3 times)
Fat Fucking Bater Dong
Big Fucking Penis (2 times)
Big Fucking Cock
Dong
Fat Dong
Hot Fucking Penis
Big Fat Giant Penis
Dong Worship
Giant Fucking Penis
Penis (a classic)
Big Cock


And let's not forget the jingle he sings ELEVEN TIMES in a four minute video:

Penis!
I beat my big fucking penis.
Penis! (repeat 10x)


ETA: SO I HAVE WATCHED THIS VIDEO A FEW TIMES AND REALIZED A FEW THINGS:

1. HE IS SNIFFING SOMETHING OUT OF A JAR OMG WHAT IS HE SNIFFING? IF YOU KNOW, PLEASE TELL US IN THE COMMENTS

2. I HAVE DETERMINED THAT THE VIDEO ON LOOP IN THE BACKGROUND IS ACTUALLY A VIDEO OF HIM WATCHING A PORN WHILE PUMPING HIS OWN DICK.

I couldn't bring myself to say "penis"

BUT YEAH, HE HAS REACHED PORN META BY MAKING A VIDEO OF HIMSELF JERKING OFF TO A VIDEO OF HIMSELF JERKING OFF TO A PORN WHILE PUMPING HIS DICK.