The Best Part of Waking Up

The above photo is a trophy wall of items retrieved from various rectums that is kept on the wall of a Russian Hospital.

YES, THAT IS A COFFEE MUG.

The posting process for this blog usually goes like this:

1. I find one thing randomly that I deem post-worthy.  This random item usually dictates the theme for the post.

2. I then search for related items.

By following that pattern, naturally today's post should end with a slew of coffee mug related  videos.

RIGHT?  WRONG.

You know why?  Because even though I had my pick of THOUSANDS of videos of dudes pissing into coffee mugs and drinking it, I decided not to go there.  

Instead, I found something far. more. disturbing.

THE BUTTERBATH TUBMASTER

When I first noticed the "butter" tag on Xtube, I assumed I would find about a billion videos of butter being used as lube.  And I did.  With one, very notable, exception:

Now, I don't expect you to sit through eight and a half minutes of this guy rubbing butter all over himself (he goes through 2 tubs!) and then running a bath.  I don't even really recommend it, unless you think you can gain some elusive spiritual understanding from it.  I just want you to watch the first couple minutes, because LOOK AT HOW CREEPY THIS GUY IS:

That's a face that says "I actually want to smother you in butter until you can't breathe anymore then I want to roll your buttered corpse around in some flour then deep fry you and wear your fried skin as a jacket."

One more thing....

I watched a 9 minute video of someone's testicles that had been infused with 7 litres of saline before I realized there was no embed code.  Since I can't share the horror of the video with you, I screencapped:

Just for you!

Regret

I want you guys to know that I recently began going to therapy. Hopefully through hard work and dedication, my brain will begin to understand the difference between "interesting" and "vomit-inducing."

Until then, we have....

SMEGMA POST.

I am hoping after that video (which was titled, "My Smelly Cheesy Dick") you are all aware of what Smegma is.  Actually, I am hoping that anyone reading this who has ever or might ever come into contact with someone else's genitals knows what Smegma is. 

Here is the definition, for all you virgins (good lord, why are you reading this blog) and blissfully ignorant folks out there:

Smegma (Greek smēgma, "soap")^[1] is a combination of exfoliated (shed) epithelial cells, transudated skin oils, and moisture. It occurs in both male and female genitalia. In males, smegma helps keep the glans moist and facilitates sexual intercourse by acting as a lubricant.

That sounds all fine and dandy, but Smegma plays a more... graphic ... role in the land of sex.  See, if you don't wash often enough, Smegma can build up and give off an odor.  I don't think I need to explain what the smell of exfoliated cells and skin oils from unwashed genitals would smell like, for I feel the horror of that sentence should be enough to get your olfactory imaginations going.

And of course, people like this.

"The true scent of a man can be found only under his foreskin.."

Fuck you, world,  Where is your God now? Ugh.

They also like to...eat..Smegma.

WARNING: BEFORE YOU PRESS "PLAY" ON THE FOLLOWING VIDEO, KEEP IN MIND THAT IT ACTUALLY MADE ME GAG. ME... AND YOU'VE SEEN THE KIND OF SHIT I'VE SAT THROUGH MULTIPLE TIMES AND BEEN FINE.  JUST A WARNING.

There is also this darling narrative of a day spent with Smegma:

I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at the screen during that whole video.  Everything that man knows is wrong.

This one is called "Cheese in the Park"



I'm only posting it because that is how awesome Smegma is to some people.  They wake up, four days unshowered and counting, look down at their crime against society covered penis and head over to the park to take a video of the biohazard contained in their pants.  To each their own and all, but..yuck.

Oh, Ladies, you get Smegma too, according to science.  You just don't make any videos about it.  For this, I thank you.

Rule 34

RULE 34:

If it exists, there is porn of it.

No exceptions.

This is the golden rule of the internet, the Ten Commandments of this blog, and a very unfortunate thing indeed:

Here are some of my favorite, random, can-only-be-explained-with-Rule-34 images:

 

John's freaky penis nipples are the worst part about that drawing.

Charlotte's Web porn, because I like ruining everything you loved as a child.

Jesus?

With the right frame, this painting could work in my living room...

Also, I left out a smorgasbord of Simpsons porno because people who draw Simpsons porno have very vivid imaginations and I am pretty sure the stuff they are drawing is illegal even in Japan.

Festive!

I...


I just needed you guys to see that.

Photoshop for fun and profit

Do you have photoshop, or any other photo editing program?

If so, what do you use it for?

If your answer was: "Why, I use to it badly splice the heads of celebrities on naked bodies that are clearly not their own," then I want to talk to you.

One reason is because some of you are fucking AMAZING AT IT and I want to know how much money something like this photo below will make you:




And the other reason is because I consider myself a half decent photoshopper, and I think I could do a better job than some of you are doing.

FOR EXAMPLE:












LOL

Pumped

Hey kids. I'm sick, but luckily what I'm going to post today doesn't really require a lot of commentary.

But I HAVE to ask:

WHY ARE PEOPLE INCLINED TO 'PUMP' THEIR GENITALS??





Ok, that's all I wanted to know.

THANKS