Clever Porn Movies Part 1

BONE ALONE

"Gabrielle's got a secret. It's hot. It's pink. It's very, very wet and it's always ready for company, and guess what... Gabrielle's all alone for the week with nothing to do but play hide the salami."

THIS COULD BE YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT, MR. JEREMY.

BONFIRE OF THE PANTIES

"That’s how it works when the fire’s in your loins. Welcome to Bonfire of the Panties. The New Wave Camera of William Black fresh from the triumphs of Anal Nation and Total Reball points his twisted camera at the Me Decade of the 80’s and what can happen when greed goes awry. He assembled some of the biggest names in adult. Gorgeous Raven, hot blonde Nikki Wilde, the sultry Ashley Nicole and foxy Missy Warner all shot in the new-wave style that pushes his movies to the tops of the charts Turn on Bonfire and watch the sirens ignite."



SERIOUSLY, DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD A BONFIRE OF PANTIES WOULD SMELL? I'M JUST SAYIN'

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE LAYER

"Poor little Buffy's lost in Transylvania. The evil lawyer/vampire, Count Hymie "The Impaler" Draculwitz, has summoned her from Budapest, and if he has his way, he'll be "impaling" the little Buffster for a long time to come - like, forever and junk. Her only chance is to use his own stake against him. If she can outlast a dead guy, she'll be golden. If not ... she'll join him in the ranks of the living dead... like, total bummer, dude."


THE FUNNY PART IS THAT COULD ACTUALLY KIND OF WORK AS A BUFFY EPISODE. I'M NOT GONNA LIE, I MAY BUY THIS ONE.

CAPTAIN HOOKER AND PETER PORN

"Were you one of those horny adults who thrilled at those pirate movies, not just for the action and adventure, but at those arousing sights of big bad men with their big bad weapons overpowering and ravishing those beautiful maidens and turning them into their wild and willing slaves? Of course you were. But now the hot "good" parts don't get blacked out when the sex action begins. For in this, the first and greatest XXX - Rated pirate epic, nothing is left to your imagination. What really must have happened when pirates were the scourge of the seven seas happens here and more so.

Yes, Captain Hooker andiPeter Porn is the adult pirate video you should not miss, if you crave hot, sexy thrills."


THE DESCRIPTION YOU JUST READ IS EXACTLY WHY I HAVE TRIED AND FAILED AT WRITING ADULT VIDEO DESCRIPTIONS FOR A LIVING. ALSO, I WOULD LIKE TO NOTE THAT THIS MOVIE IS FOUND IN THE "CLASSICS" SECTION AT CDUNIVERSE.COM

A CLOCKWORK ORGY

"Here's where droogs are still droogs, but their tonic is sex, not violence. Superstar Kaitlyn Ashley plays Alex, who is surrounded by fellow gangsters Isis Nile, hot Olivia and the French beauty Rebecca Lord, roam dingy alleyways in search for wanton sex. First they attack a street bum, actor Dick Nasty, when Rebecca Lord winds up on the receiving end of a very gooey facial. Then, Jon Dough in a wheelchair, succumbs to the wild-eyed street nymphs. But not before our Kaitlyn is seduced by parole officer Shelby Stevens, and committed to the looney bin where Jonathan Morgan and Nikole Lace try to recondition out her nymphomania. "

LOL, JON DOUGH.

DAWSON'S CRACK

I COULDN'T FIND A SYNOPSIS FOR THIS ONE ONLINE, BUT LOOK AT THAT COVER. 'NUFF SAID.